I’m catching a plane back to Washington
in just a few minutes. Now, I need a full classified briefing
right now. Hundred and twenty thousand
Soviet troops in all. Hundred and twenty thousand? Fortieth Army is garrisoned in the
cities and in the airports. Your seventh and eighth
infantry divisions are in Kabul. The 18th in Mazar-e Sharif. -The fourth armored–
-Anything inside? -I’m sorry?
-They controlling anything inside? Soviet advisors have appropriated the Afghan Intel Service
and the ministries. -Which ministries?
-All of them. Anyway, the fourth armored
covers Bagram Airbase. Seventh Armored is– Why ain’t they shooting down
them helicopters? -I’m sorry?
-The helicopters, Harold. Why ain’t we giving them something
to shoot down them helicopters? The, uh, helicopters are a problem. You think? -Congressman–
-They’re shooting at Soviet gunships with Enfield rifles.
That’s basically what Davy Crockett used. The Soviet Hind gunship is especially
armor plated to resist bullets. Yeah, I know, I know. So you tell me
what you need to shoot them down. -What do you mean?
-Tell me what you need. Do you understand what I’m saying? You tell me what you need,
and I will go about getting it for you. Congressman, I appreciate your generosity, but a sudden influx of money
and modern weaponry would draw attention. -What?
-A sudden influx of money and modern– – Wait, it would draw attention?
– Yeah. Why, I don’t even know what that means. This is the Cold War.
Everybody knows about it. Should I continue with the briefing? Have you been to these refugee camps?
Have you heard these stories? Congressman,
I am required to give you a briefing. -Should I continue?
-No. Thank you. [sighs] You know, I had a neighbor growing up
with a name right out of Dickens. Mr. Charles Hazard. And Mr. Hazard didn’t like
the neighborhood dogs messing up his flower beds. One day, I heard a bunch of yelling
from across the street, so I ran on over to Mr. Hazard’s, and there were about 15 grown-ups
standing around my dog, Teddy, who was writhing on the ground,
in obvious agony. Blood was pouring out of his mouth. Mr. Hazard had ground up a glass bottle and put it in a bowl of dog food
and fed it to him. What did you do? Well, I got some gasoline
and burned down his flower beds. But that wasn’t satisfying enough. And then I remembered,
Mr. Hazard was an elected official. He was the head of the town council. His re-election every two years
was a foregone conclusion. So come Election Day,
I drove over to the black section of town. Now, these people hadn’t voted
in any of these elections, so… I was only 13,
but I had a farmer’s license and I filled up my car with black voters
and drove them to the polling place. Then waited, then drove them on home, but before they got out
of the car to vote, I said, “I don’t mean to influence you,
but I think you should know Mr. Charles Hazard
intentionally killed my dog.” About 400 ballots were cast
in that election. I drove 96 of them to the polls. Hazard lost by 16 votes. And that’s the day
I fell in love with America. What time do we land? -7:30 a.m. in D.C.
-I want the CIA in my office at 10. Assistant Deputy Director or higher. Tell them
that if I don’t see someone at 10, I’m gonna start docking their allowance
at a rate of $1 million a minute. Yes, sir. And get me another one of them, would you? Yes, sir. [man 1] The AKs, RPG-7 grenade launchers and 82 mm mortars are coming
into Pakistan by air and sea, and then trucks take them
to the Afghan border. [man 2] Then we take them across on mules, which are running a little more
than we thought. -The mules?
-They’re 2,400 a piece. -Plus we gotta get them checked out.
-For what? Diseases. Foot and mouth.
Plus they have to have their ears cleaned. The mules are getting better
health care than the Afghans. [man 2] Plus, they’re gonna cost a
little extra if we want them pre-trained. To do what? Walk over a mountain
with ammunition on their back. Aren’t they born with that instinct? I mean, isn’t that something
they want to do naturally? You think Afghanistan might one day
think about building some fucking roads? -Gust.
-Yeah? I got something for you.