An intellectual introduction to Federalist folly and floppiness By Aviva Bechky, Isabella Fan, and Elia Safir All you scrubby scrubs, lend me your ears For everybody’s favorite guy Brutus is here Lately, the Federalists have been making a splash Well, ignore them, everything they say is just trash! In this “Constitution” which they newly wrote Upon an absolute tyranny they seem to dote. The supremacy clause results in an imbalance of power While the national government recklessly frolics, states cower If Congress dislikes state laws, those men so elite and aloof Can make all the states’ hard work simply go poof! This small handful of men can overrule state laws And this is just one of many, many glaring flaws. The Necessary and Proper Clause is unspiffy Clearly it’ll wreck our nation in a jiffy The Constitution gives some powers to the states But this sneaky clause those abilities eliminates Congress can do anything to uphold previous rules Thus, reserved powers are thrown to the wolves According to federalism, states and feds should share clout But these two clauses will simply kick states rights out The powers of these two governments should be shared But the functions of the states are severely impaired. Ladies and gents, this isn’t federalism at all It’s plain tyranny — this is how our nation falls! History testifies that the Federalists’ idea will fail The Romans tried large governments, to no avail When they started out, their nations were small But as they grew and grew, wow! they dropped the ball No longer democracies, they became a tyrannical mess If our nation is this large, it too will its people oppress! Hamilton, despite fighting for democracy in the war, Wants to “unite” (ahem, oppress) America from shore to shore In Federalist 70, he claims we need a president who’s strong It certainly seems like Hamilton’s been a monarchist all along We’d have to be absolutely barmy To let one man control a standing army! A commander-in-chief could stir up trouble overseas And destroy all of our foreign relations with ease He thinks a tyrant will respond to emergencies fast But it will just make democracy a thing of the past. The superior form of government is a confederation A republic just wouldn’t work with such a large nation With so many different opinions swirling around, No popular consensus will ever be found Our nation simply isn’t homogeneous enough To consider any of this federal-government stuff We’d splinter into a thousand different factions And our government would never finish any action The Federalists would strip states of their rights, Indifferent to the common citizens’ plights So if you want a nation that’s corrupt and mean, One that crushes the people while politicians preen, Then, fine! Side with those floppy Federalist guys But don’t come crying later, having realized I was wise You’ve got everything to lose — Now go ahead. Choose.