Chappelle’s Show – Tron Carter’s “Law & Order” – Uncensored
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Chappelle’s Show – Tron Carter’s “Law & Order” – Uncensored


– HOW WAS WORK TODAY, CHARLES? – OH, SAME OLD, SAME OLD. ACCOUNTING’S COMPLAINING ABOUT
US MISLEADING THE STOCKHOLDERS AND BLOWING
THE EMPLOYEE PENSIONS AND– WHAT A BUNCH OF BABIES. I MEAN, COME ON, THIS IS
BUSINESS, PEOPLE, RIGHT? AND SPEAKING OF BUSINESS, YEAH? [growls] SATCHCO, TAKE A POWDER. AND YOU. – [screams] – [growls]
– [meows] – SNUGGLE BUNNY! – [laughs] – GET ON THE GROUND! – [screaming] [dog panting] – SHUT THAT
FUCKING DOG UP! [gunshot] GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND! STOP RESISTING, SIR! [phone ringing] – NIGGA, I SAID STOP
CALLING HERE, ALL RIGHT? I’M BAGGING UP THE COKE UP
AS FAST AS I CAN! – I’M DETECTIVE
CHARLES STEVENS FROM THE DADE COUNTY
POLICE DEPARTMENT. I’VE GOT A WARRANT HERE
FOR YOUR ARREST. – A WARRANT? – CHARGE IS COCAINE TRAFFICKING, AND, UM, FRANKLY, I’M AFRAID I DON’T KNOW
HOW TO HANDLE IT. – OH, MAN, WE GOT TO
BE CAREFUL WITH THIS. WE DON’T WANT TO EMBARRASS
SOMEBODY LIKE ME IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY
AND MY COMMUNITY. I TELL YOU WHAT, I’LL COME IN AND TURN MYSELF IN
AROUND THURSDAY, OKAY? – IS 1:00 GOOD FOR YOU? – OH, NO,
THAT’S NO GOOD FOR ME. I’VE GOT SOME TRIM
COMING AT 12:00. I’LL TURN MYSELF IN,
SAY, BETWEEN 2:00 AND 6:00? – THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH
FOR YOUR HELP AND, AGAIN, I’M SORRY FOR
THE INCONVENIENCE. – OH, NO PROBLEM. ONE LOVE. – UH, YEAH.
I LOVE YOU TOO. – SO WHAT AM I
CHARGED WITH? – YEAH, LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW,
YOU LITTLE BITCH. – [coughing] COULD YOU DO ME
A FAVOR AND NOT SMOKE? I’M ALLERGIC. – OH, HEY,
I’M SORRY, CHUCK. WHY DON’T I DO YOU A FAVOR AND
PUT IT OUT THERE FOR YOU, HUH? – [screaming] – HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT,
YOU PIECE OF CRAP! I WANT ANSWERS, PUNK! – [whimpers] I WANT TO TALK
TO MY LAWYER! – HE WANTS TO TALK
TO HIS LAWYER. – LEGAL AID, YOU’RE ON. – SORRY, YOU’RE, LIKE,
MY 14TH CASE THIS WEEK. SOMEBODY TAKE A PISS IN HERE? – IT WAS ME! I PEED. [timid elevator music] [timid elevator music] – I WOULD LIKE
TO COMPLIMENT YOU GENTLEMEN ON A VERY CLASSY,
BALLER-ASS SPREAD WITH CHEESES THAT I’VE
NEVER EVEN SEEN BEFORE. AND MY APOLOGIES
FOR BEING LATE, BUT I GOT CAUGHT UP
WITH SOME POONANY. [laughs] – WELL, SO,
IT’S LIKE I SAID, WE DON’T WANT TO MAKE
A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS THING. YOU’RE A COCAINE DEALER, BUT YOU’VE DONE A LOT
OF GOOD FOR THE COMMUNITY. – OH, I KNOW, MAN. ON THANKSGIVING,
I BE PASSING TURKEYS OUT LIKE NINO BROWN, BABY. – BUT, SERIOUSLY,
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. HOW ABOUT YOU TESTIFY
BEFORE A SENATE COMMITTEE AND SPEND TWO MONTHS AT CLUB FED? – WHEN I GET OUT, CAN I STILL TRAFFIC ROCKS
TO THE COMMUNITY? – ABSOLUTELY NOT! – YOU’RE RIGHT.
SELLING ROCKS WOULD BE WRONG. [laughs] JAIL’S THE SHIT! – ANYWAY,
HE POINTS THE GUN AT US, AND HE TELLS HIS DOG
TO SIC US. IT WAS AT THAT POINT
THAT I FIRED UPON THE CANINE AND WE WERE ABLE
TO SUBDUE MR. JEFFRIES. UPON FURTHER SEARCH
OF THE MANSION, WE WERE ABLE
TO LOCATE THIS: PURE COLOMBIAN HEROIN. – YEAH, WAIT A MINUTE. YOUR HONOR, I DON’T KNOW
WHO’S HEROIN THAT IS, BUT IT CERTAINLY
ISN’T MINE. – THEN HIS WIFE THREW
HER TITTIES IN MY HAND. IT WAS WEIRD, YOUR HONOR. – YOU GRABBED
HER TITTIES! I SAW YOU! – BEFORE I SENTENCE YOU, IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU’D LIKE TO SAY? – OKAY, FIRST OF ALL– – ALL RIGHT, THAT’S ENOUGH. YOU’RE THE WORST KIND OF SCUM ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. YOU’RE AN ANIMAL. A FILTHY,
BIG-LIPPED BEAST. I’D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE
THE JURY OF YOUR PEERS FOR REACHING
A VERDICT SO QUICKLY. TEN MINUTES
IS A NEW COURT RECORD. ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS WILL BE
SEIZED IMMEDIATELY BY THE COURT, AND YOU WILL RECEIVE
THE MANDATORY MINIMUM OF LIFE IN PRISON. PLENTY OF TIME TO LIFT WEIGHTS AND CONVERT TO ISLAM. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT,
YOU FUCK. – SIR, IS IT TRUE YOU WERE
A CRACK COCAINE DEALER FOR SEVEN YEARS? – I PLEAD THE FIFTH. – SIR, WILL YOU TELL US ABOUT
THE CARTELS YOU DEALT WITH IN YOUR TIME
AS A CRACK COCAINE DEALER? – UM, NO, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT I PLEAD THE FIZZIFTH. – EXACTLY HOW MUCH MONEY
DID YOU EARN IN YOUR TIME
AS A CRACK COCAINE DEALER? – ♪ THERE ♪ ♪ ARE ♪ ♪ I SAID,
THERE ARE ♪ ♪ SO MANY AMENDMENTS ♪ ♪ IN THE CONSTITUTION ♪ ♪ OF THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA ♪ ♪ I CAN ONLY CHOOSE ONE ♪ [glass whistling] ♪ I CAN ONLY CHOOSE ♪ ♪ ONE ♪ ♪ I PLEAD THE FIFTH ♪ ♪ I PLEAD
THE FIFTH ♪ ♪ FIVE ♪ ♪ ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
FIFTH ♪ ♪ ANYTHING YOU SAY,
FIFTH ♪ ♪ GO AHEAD,
ASK ME A QUESTION ♪ – DID YOU– – ♪ FIFTH ♪ SIR, I HAVE A SECRET DOCUMENT
THAT I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE. ♪ FIFTH ♪ – THAT WILL BE ALL, SIR.
GOOD AFTERNOON. – I GOT YOUR SENTENCE
REDUCED TO A MONTH, BUDDY. – OH! [laughs]

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