Drunk History – Dolley Madison Protects America’s National Treasures
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Drunk History – Dolley Madison Protects America’s National Treasures


SO WHEN BRITAIN–WHEN
THEY ARRIVED ON THE SHORES, THIS BRITISH GUYS SHOW UP,
AND THEY’RE LIKE, AWESOME. LIKE, NO ONE’S HERE. SO WE’LL JUST DROP ANCHOR AND START TRASHING
THE PLACE. WHILE DOLLEY AND JAMES WERE
IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY GET WORD THAT HOLY [bleep],
THESE GUYS HAVE LANDED, AND THEY’RE HEADING THIS WAY. SO JAMES MADISON’S LIKE,
YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M GONNA GET ON A HORSE,
AND I’M GONNA GO THERE, AND I’M GONNA BE LIKE,
GUESS WHAT? KNOCK, KNOCK.
PRESIDENT’S HERE. AND SHE’S LIKE,
OKAY, SEE YOU FOR DINNER. JAMES LEAVES. SHE STAYS IN THE WHITE HOUSE
WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE IN WASHINGTON IS KIND OF
BEING PUSSIES AND LEAVING. AND SHE’S LIKE HOLY [bleep]. JAMES JUST LEFT ON A HORSE, AND THIS [bleep]’S GOING DOWN. LIKE, I CAN HEAR CANNONS
GOING OFF. I CAN HEAR
THIS [bleep] HAPPENING. SO DOLLEY WAS LIKE, TO SHOW WASHINGTON
THAT I’M NOT LEAVING– EVERYONE ELSE CAN BE PUSSIES
AND THEY CAN LEAVE– I’VE GOT MY SPYGLASS, AND I’M JUST GONNA
BE CHECKING THIS [bleep] OUT, AND I’M GONNA TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING. UNTIL THIS GUY KNOCKS
ON THE DOOR AND HE’S LIKE,
EVERYTHING’S GONE TO [bleep]. THE HUNDRED GUYS THAT
WERE SECURING THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY–THEY’RE GONE,
‘CAUSE THEY’RE PUSSIES. YOU GOT TO GET
THE [bleep] OUT. BRITISH ASS[bleep]
ARE ABOUT TO COME TAKE A GIANT DUMP
ON WASHINGTON, AND THEY’RE GONNA [bleep]
THE WHITE HOUSE UP. SHE’S LIKE, I GOT
TO PACK MY [bleep]. SHE STARTED TAKING
THE RED VELVET CURTAINS, SILVER SERVING DISHES, AND ALL THE CHINA
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, BUT THEN SHE’S LIKE,
THERE’S THIS BEAUTIFUL PORTRAIT OF GEORGE WASHINGTON. I’M NOT GONNA LEAVE THAT. SHE TELLS THE SERVANTS,
GET THAT PORTRAIT OUT OF THERE. AND THEY TOOK
THE PORTRAIT OUT, AND ONE OF GUYS WAS LIKE,
OKAY, I’LL JUST, LIKE, ROLL IT UP. AND SHE’S LIKE, NO, GUYS.
WE’RE NOT ROLLING IT UP. YOU KNOW, LIKE,
THIS IS NOT– YOU KNOW, IT’S NOT
A JIMI HENDRIX POSTER. THE BRITISH ARRIVE. YOU KNOW, THEY’RE JUST LIKE,
BURN THIS [bleep] DOWN. LIKE, BURN THE [bleep]
OUT OF IT. Y’ALL SMILE AND WAVE AT ME
REAL QUICK. [camera shutter clicks] OKAY, I GOT TO INSTAGRAM
THIS [bleep]. SHE LEAVES, BUT THEN SHE’S LIKE,
OH, SNAP. DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. SO SHE TAKES THAT. I MEAN, IN, LIKE,
JUST ENOUGH TIME TO GET OUT. SO THEY TRASH WASHINGTON. YOU KNOW, THEY’RE JUST– THEY’RE JUST REALLY BEING
ASS[bleep]. SO DOLLEY MADISON TAKES
ALL THE IMPORTANT THINGS THAT MEANT SOMETHING
TO THIS COUNTRY BEFORE SHE LEFT. SO POST-ALL OF THIS TERRIBLE,
YOU KNOW, BURNING UP [bleep],

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