EMO HAIR
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EMO HAIR


Hi, I’m a commenter. I want your emo hair back. SHUT UP! Hi? Hello, Anthony. We’ve been looking for you. I’m Danny! at the Disco. That’s Mandy Massacre. Hey. And that’s Gerrit. *Gerrit roars* Why do you guys look like a rejected MySpace Top 8? This is an intervention. A few years ago, you cut your glorious emo hair. Your hair achieved a level of emo that we haven’t seen since. We want your emo hair back. Now. NOOOOOWWWW! But we need you. Look guys, I’m past that, OK? It’s 2016. I don’t listen to trendy bulls**t like I used to. I listen to actually good stuff now, like Twenty One Pilots. (singing) And now we’re stressed out! No? Ok. Can you… can you just please… get out of my mom’s house? Get ‘im, Gerrit! *Gerrit roars* *Screams Like A Girl* We’re gonna make you so emo. like as emo looking as Pete Wentz Pete Wentz doesn’t- (yells and grawls) Pete Wentz doesn’t even have emo hair anymore. See? NOOO Say it ain’t so! My love is a life taker Woah. Nice WEEZER quote. They’re my favorite emo band of all time. Technically, I don’t think they’re emo. Technically, ’emo’ means emotional. If they’re not emo then what are they? I don’t know, indie rock? Weezer isn’t indie, they’re owned by a major label. What? I thought they were super underground. Ok, now I f***ing hate them. Well, technically, indie has kind of evolved to- If anything they’re ‘post-punk’. What do you mean Danny!? ‘Post-punk’? Punk still exists. *Roars* Either way, their first album “Pinkerton” was definitely emo. Wait, wasn’t their first LP “The Blue Album”? That’s what I meant! I know music. That’s why my name’s ‘Danny! at the disco’. It’s a super inside reference that you probably don’t even know. *Roars* I WANNA MAKE LOVE TO BRENDON URIE! Oh my God, Gerrit, shut up! Alright, if you don’t wanna be emo, then we’re just gonna have to convince you. We’ve got a little something that’ll make you realise what you’ve been missing all these years. Prepare to experience the greatest musical genre that you turned your back on. *mystical electric keyboard sounds* *sings emo-ly* stop lying to me. *roars* STOP LYING TO ME! *end of song* Was that it? Yeah. What was that song about? Pain. Deception. *Roars* DARKNESS! *Knocking* Hey, Anthony, can you keep it down? I’m trying to do yoga out here and you’re really harshing my downward dog. These emo kids kidnapped me and they’re bludgeoning me with their terrible music until I grow my emo hair back! Well… you were a lot funnier back when you had emo hair. Can you just come and save me God dammit! It’s locked. Ha. You need the password. It’s the slogan that binds all emos. He’ll never figure it out. Cut my wrists and black my eyes? *GASP* He knows! How? Yes! Ok, guys. Stop playing your sh** music and let Anthony go. Get him, Gerrit! Hardcore dance him to death! *plays hardcore music* *roars* YEAH! Sweet two-step punching, Gerrit! Ian… you have to channel your past self. No! I threw away that part of my life years ago, and swore to never return! I sent little Timmy to the hospital with my sick windmills. It’s the only way! Ha! I bet he can’t even spin-kick! Oh yeah? Well then you’re going down! Aw, sh**! Why do you always try that? *roars* Gerrit! Ow! Ow! Ian! Let’s show these punks how to really do this! Yeah! Ugh, friggin bathsalts! Oh, God, look at how f***ing lame this is! I think he pulled the stripes out of my hair! And, though you’re dead and gone, your memory will carry on. *sing* CARRY ON (WE’LL CARRY OONNN AND THOUGH YOU’RE DEAD AND GONE BELIEVE ME YOUR MEMORY WILL CARRRRY ONNNNNN) Set straighteners to super hot. Mine’s a con-er from CBS and one of the side won’t heat up any more! Dammit, Mandy, I told you to buy a new one! What are we going to do? Oh my god, is that ‘Bring Me the Horizon’?! Where the mother eff are they? What the hell’s going on? *whispering* We’re sneaking out on the fringe side. It’s like they just vanished! Just like my dad. So, do you think your eyes gonna grow your emo hair back out? F***, no. Good choice. Ian, today I learned… You know what? I didn’t learn anything. I was right the whole time. God, I can’t believe I used to dress like that! Yeah… and today I learned to always be yourself. The real version of you is the best version of you. When did you learn that? Yeah… Ian, when did you learn that? Great job, Ian! Now they think you’re keeping your bowl haircut on purpose! Not because we’re holding your mom hostage. Yeah *chanting* bowl cuts for life! *wails* *whale dying*

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