Fixing the Constitution in Five Minutes – The Jim Jefferies Show
Articles,  Blog

Fixing the Constitution in Five Minutes – The Jim Jefferies Show


RECENTLY I’VE BEEN STUDYING THE CONSTITUTION, IT’S BEEN THE BACKBONE OF OUR NATION FOR MORE THAN 200 YEARS. AND I HAVE TO SAY, IT’S DULL AS [ BLEEP ]. LUCKILY IT CAN BE CHANGED AND REWRITTEN. I THINK IT’S TIME TO UPDATE IT FOR TODAY’S MODERN WORLD. THAT’S WHAT I PLEDGE TO DO IN OUR NEW SEGMENT, AMENDING THE AMENDMENTS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪>>FIRST, LET ME FIX SOME OBVIOUS PROBLEMS WITH THE CONSTITUTION. I JUST DREW A PENIS. A LOT OF IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. FOR INSTANCE, THE 18th AMENDMENT ESTABLISHED PROHIBITION, BUT THE 21st AMENDMENT REPEALED IT. THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A DRUNK WOULD DO. YOU QUIT DRINKING AND THEN YOU’RE BACK ON. I’M SURPRISED THE 22nd AMENDMENT WASN’T, OH, I’M JUST QUITTING AGAIN. THIS TIME FOR GOOD, ALSO, I PROBABLY OWE THE 19th AMENDMENT AN APOLOGY. WE DON’T NEED TWO AMENDMENTS THAT CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT, GET RID OF BOTH OF THEM. SEE, WE’RE MAKING PROGRESS ALREADY. OKAY. NOW, LET’S CHANGE. START WITH THE FIRST AMENDMENT, THAT’S A BIG ONE. FREEDOM OF SPEECH. NOW, I’M ALL FOR FREEDOM OF SPEECH, BUT FOR EVERYONE? REALLY? NO MATTER WHAT? WHAT ABOUT INTERNET COMMENTS LIKE — WHEN THEY WROTE THE CONSTITUTION, WE DIDN’T HAVE THE INTERNET. BACK THIN, IF YOU WANTED TO INSULT SOMEONE, IT TOOK EFFORT. YOU WOULD HAVE TO WRITE THE COMMENT DOWN ON PARCHMENT PAPER, THEN GET ON HORSE AND DELIVER IT PERSONALLY. AND HOPEFULLY THE PERSON YOU’RE INSULTING COULD READ. A LOT OF PEOPLE BACK THEN COULDN’T. YOU HAVE A GUY LIKE SO, SO, SO — SUCK MY [ BLEEP ] JESUS NATHANIEL HOW CAN YOU NOT READ THAT. I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUAL. I’M NOT OKAY WITH ANONYMOUS SPEECH, BUT IT’S WHAT AFFECTS BULLYING. IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE A COMMENT ONLINE, PUT YOUR [ BLEEP ] NAME ON IT. PUT YOUR NAME ON IT. LIKE MY AUNTIE ALWAYS SAID, IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. SHE WAS AN OLD BITCH. I JUST SAID THAT PUBLICLY ON TV. I OWNED IT. THERE’S MORE TO THE FIRST AMENDMENT THAN FREEDOM OF SPEECH. FREEDOM OF RELIGION. NOT INTERESTED, [ BLEEP ] THAT OFF, IT’S GONE. NEXT, THE RIGHT TO PEACEFULLY ASSEMBLE. THE PROBLEM IS, A LOT OF PEACEFUL GATHERINGS ARE SHIT. LIKE PARADES. THE PEOPLE IN THEM LOOK BORED. THE PEOPLE WATCHING THE PARADE ARE BORED. PARADES SUCKS. UNLESS YOU INVOLVE THE GAYS. SO WE’LL BE ADDING THAT TO THE FIRST AMENDMENT, INVOLVE THE GAYS. IMAGINE HOW MUCH BETTER THANKSGIVING PARADE WOULD BE WHEN THE GAYS GET INTO IT. YEAH, THAT’S — THAT PUT CIGARETTES OUT ON ME ELMO. THE FIRST AMENDMENT ALSO COVERS FREEDOM OF PRESS. I’M FINE WITH THAT. JUST DEFINE THE PRESS PART OF IT, FAKE NEWS WASN’T A THING IN THE 1700s, EVERYONE BACK THEN WAS HORRIBLE. WHAT KIND OF SLANT COULD YOU POSSIBLY RUIN A PERSON WITH BACK THEN. BREAKING NEWS, THOMAS JEFFERSON DOES NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIS SLAVE. THEY’D HAVE TO HOLD A PRESS CONFERENCE, THE FAILING COLONIAL TIMES WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE I DON’T HAVE SEX WITH MY OWN SLAVES. I DO, I BANG THEM LIKE THE HORNY SLAVE OWNER I AM. THESE LIES WILL NOT STAND. [ BLEEP ] SLAVE KING. LET’S SEE WHAT WE’VE GOT. HERE’S THE CRAPPY FIRST AMENDMENT. LET’S MAKE THE CHANGES. RELIGION IS DUMB. YOU CAN ONLY SAY MEAN THINGS IF YOU PUT YOUR NAME ON IT. ONLY PEACEFULLY ASSEMBLE IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY FUN. AND ALL YOUR NEWS HAS TO COME FROM THE JIM JEFFRIES SHOW. THERE WE GO. CHANGING THE FIRST AMENDMENT. SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS. IT TOOK OUR FOUNDING FATHERS TWO

100 Comments

  • Joey murdaz Alotmore

    It's a start but you didn't remove the Democrat and Republican parties the Constitution 2.0 has already been printed

  • Neutron Pixie

    Freedom of speech only applies to government censoring of speech. The 1973 case, The People vs Poe, gives citizen to citizen freedom of speech on things like the internet. Basically saying, if you don't like what someone wrote, don't fucking read it. Besides, governments don't give "freedoms of speech". My voice box gave me freedom of speech. Government only take those rights away and then make you believe it's from them when they give it back.

  • Kohlenstoffisotop12

    In Germany I say: "Volksverhetzung ist keine Meinung, sondern Straftatbestand."
    Which means: "Incitemet of the people is not an opinion, but a fact constitung an offecse."

  • Livid Imp

    You should all suck my dick. If you don't like that, then come kick my ass. I'll even put my name on that…Jim Jefferies, look me up.

  • LouistheHedgehog

    Four amendments that need to happen. #1 All persons running for federal office need to pass an independent psychiatric evaluation. #2 Overturn the Citizens United ruling by requiring laws that limit funding on campaign financing. #3 Supreme Court Justices can be recalled if more than half of voters choose to do so during a presidential election year. #4 End the electoral college.

  • Warren NZ

    Religion is dumb. Well you got that right!!!
    I notice they're letting "shit" and "bitch" through without that annoying 1KHz tone so they're making progress. 8^)

  • James Anderson

    The Koch brothers are trying their best to get a Constitutional Convention held so they can rewrite the Constitution for the rich. They are close to their goal.

  • Brian Wellman

    I do not accept anything this privileged racist bigot has to say. Especially about the constitution. Until this bigot is taken off the air or apologies for his bigotry I will not take anything he says or supports seriously.

  • Blancobull

    I found this incredibly funny. Funny up onto the point Jim "fixes" everything in 5 seconds like a dictator. Remember Jim, the lack of kings and autocrats are what gave you a platform to sound so ignorant. You could always go back to Australia.The reason it took two years to ratify the first constitution is because the founders actually got an "agreement". Any dictator can fix it their way in 5 seconds. That, however, is not a Social-Democratic Republic.

  • follker

    Jim has been a citizen for 17 seconds and he is rewriting our flawed, [according to Jim] constitution. I'm not sure how or why but this doesn't seem kosher, or funny. It seems weird to me the extent Jim goes to to complain about a country he JUST became a part of.

  • Elliott Jackson

    What’s a foreigner doing talking about our constitution, go back to your shithole where you cucks gave up your guns and gave refuge to all the terrorists

  • Dale Rardon

    I get a little sick of people from other countries coming to America, getting citizenship, then shitting all over our country. If you do not like it, Why the fuck did you come here? Go the fuck home or shut the fuck up. Jim, can you find anything else to make a joke about? How about that stupid looking excuse for a mustache?

  • molly cruz

    The problem I see with the Constitution is the first line: the bit about being "endowed by their CREATOR with inalienable Rights"; because it presumes the existence of a Deity, which unfortunately embeds the idea of Democracy with the idea of Religion, which unfortunately is inextricable in most American's minds with Christianity, and therefore contradicts the very idea of freedom of Religion, or the freedom to be free of religion. So, how about rephrasing that line to read: " All PEOPLE (not just Men, but Women, and more than 2/3 of each slave) are INHERENTLY endowed with the following freedoms, ETC.,,,,,:?

  • mikitz

    I've always found it funny how the US considers itself as the 'beacon of Democracy' while their constitution fails to mention Democracy anywhere.
    Well, we also have the Democratic Republic of Kongo, so…

  • Martin de Vries

    See, they say that state and religion are to be kept seperate, but…. why is it then taken up in the first amendment? The state shouldn't be there to tell people that they're free to practice their religion. Just like it shouldn't be telling them they're not. It shouldn't get involved with religion, period. Nor should religion get involved with it. If you want to believe in your flying spageti monster, go right ahead. Just don't go complaining that you don't get a day off on your religion's national holiday.

  • Joe Nesvick

    Slander is spoken, print is libel. Any fake news in the 1700s would be from the town crier and not in any paper 🤣

  • TheGodEmperorofMankind

    Jim Jefferies is a servile spineless worm. He's Hollywoods bitch and he'll do anything to suckle at its tit.

  • Right Hand

    Look up Jim jefferies hidden camera. This dude is a piece of crap that will say anything to make others sound bad. Going as far as saying its okay to kill babies to make his interviewer sound bad. I hope you read this Jeff and you burn in hell you piece of shit.

  • paladro

    yer funny jim, but carlin did it better than your hack writing staff

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CE8ooMBIyC8

  • Janusha

    He only did the first amendment. If he had started on the second one, he would be in deep shit with americans. Laugh at freedom of speech all day, but laugh at americans and their guns and youre fucked.

  • Reg Eric

    So this is it, you do something really bad and pretend you didnt util people forget about it. You are a fraud and you should be fired.

  • tiny99990

    I know this was a joke… but every time you see a democracy or a republic fall into a form of monarchy this is what happens the monarch believes they can fix everything and so they end up breaking everything… again I know its a joke and I laughed at it, but I also found it to be ironic how this is what actually happens to republics and democracies except the new monarchs in those situations aren't joking…

  • Justa Clapper

    Best guess 1 mind you just one possible reason they keep 18th and 20th amendment. To now repeat history. For example…look those idiots already tried to take that alcohol away from us crazy ppl. Let's not try that again. Yup That's ALL I GOT. No other reason I have

  • Bely Gorod

    I think that the problem America has that the constitution has a mythical status in your country. It's actually not uncommon for countries to change their construction when they see things need to be changed

  • Calum Macdonald

    You talk about fake news. But why are you still hiding away from the fact that you were caught out, cutting and chopping scenes in your interview with avi yemini to completely twist his words?

    You talk of free press yet you and Comedy Central had avi and his journalist colleague deported from the states for attempting to investigate your wrong doing and fake news reporting.

    I used to be a big fan Jim. But you’ve lost all respect not only for what you did, but how you run from it like a little coward.

    Man up.

  • Calum Macdonald

    SEARCH YOUTUBE FOR ‘AVI YEMINI EXPOSES JIM JEFFERIES’.

    I was a fan until I watched this. THE MANS A SELL OUT, FAKE NEWS ARM OF THE TWISTED MEDIA STATE.

  • Calum Macdonald

    JIM JEFFERIES IS A FAKE NEWS PUPPET!
    SEARCH ‘AVI YEMENI EXPOSES JIM JEFFERIES’.

    Watch him caught out hidden camera misreporting facts, twisting interviews and spreading fake news!

  • mambojazz1

    Not funny at all. Just not based any fact. His writers should be fired. This entire topic sounds like him trashing America.

  • mambojazz1

    His slave fucking joke was terrible. Just inaccurate. Must be accurate in order to be funny. He needs to take a course on American history

  • Mark Andrade

    First thing that has to be changed is that there has to be more than one legal organization allowed. The A.B.A aka the American BAR Association was never elected by the people to be the only legal organization allowed to make, write and practice law. Which essentially makes the entire judicial branch of government to be 100% a conflict of interest. Example: in a criminal case the lawyer prosecuting the accused, the lawyer defending the accused and the lawyer judging over that case are all members of the American BAR Association. Same with a civil, probate real estate or any other legal action. Yes you don't have to hire a lawyer but if you do want to but don't want to hire a member of the American BAR Association you are shyte out of luck. Where's the system of checks and balances in the judicial branch of government… there is none. They perform whatever type of law they please, such as both financial slavery and vigilante law. Example: A citizen of the private sector can get arrested on 12 felony counts have their name and face plastered all over the news and internet having their life destroyed and not even go to a grand jury, never get indicted not even have a trial but have all the charges dismissed with prejudice (which means those cases and charges can never be investigated or be charged for those crimes ever again) and still have no case or legal grounds on a civil suit for the wrongful arrest, wrongful incarceration due to the excessively high bail that was set, the malicious prosecution, loss of income ect ect ect. The united states are number one at two things incarceration and corruption.

  • Fred Craven

    I like how they hire an Australian, change our constitution has no idea what it is being Americans he didn't grow up here, influencing people younger generation

  • Bob 357

    backbone of "our" nation??? I don't think so neanderthal. Give your citizenship about 20 yrs. and get rid of that accent. Look at Mel Gibson. No accent.

  • Dimitrios Desmos

    That "put your name on it" has gone too far……i think, people need to realise, that some people are up to no good, and when they suffer the consequences, they want to hunt you down like rabid assholes……and when they cant ,…they go insane. INSULT THE CUNTS THAT DESERVE IT, AND IF THEY GIVE YOU THE ,…I LL SUE YOU CRAP……THEY DESERVED IT…..the problem is that one day you will insult a very powerful person and they will hold everyone by the balls and force them to say shit like that. …..other people that i have seen say stuff like what Jim said, are Triadafilopoulos and Obama !!!!!!!!…..interesting huh ?!!!!!………very interesting……….Opios exei tin muga, mugiazete.

  • palmeristo

    Humans still relying on pieces of paper. Money and the constitution etc.. A piece of paper guys think about it. We're never going to progress as a species if we keep killing each other over a piece of paper and most of you still believe in God's ffs. If it wasn't for show business and entertainment having a handful of decent rich folk around we'd probably be dead by now from unpopular opinions 😂 well done humans well done.

  • 4c1dr3fl3x

    Someone should have told Jim about the Adams vs Jefferson campaign of 1800 that split them until their dying day (same day) where they each baldy accused each other in the funny papers of such farcical things such as being hermaphrodites, and each would usher in an age of every sexual deviancy conceivable, they even invented a couple.
    John Adams was the original king of presidential campaign mudslinging, and he passed that legacy down to his later-president son running vs Asshole Jackson, who in return accused John Q Adams of being a pimp. Not kidding.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *