Intervention: A Success Story!
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Intervention: A Success Story!


A new and glorious dawn breaks over the Middle
East, where rigorous American bombing campaigns have blasted the region into a friendly golf
course of democracy. It’s all part of America’s comprehensive,
methodically planned foreign policy strategy. Let’s look back at our nation’s glorious
adventures in: Intervention! A Success Story! 1953. The United States topples the democratically-elected
government of Iran and installs a king favorable to our oil interests. The shah likes America, ensuring that our
nations will be friends forever! In 1979 Iran ousts the Shah which America
helpfully installed, and is inexplicably distrustful of the United
States meddling in its affairs. But don’t worry! When Iraq and Iran go to war a year later, President Reagan provides aid to America’s
good friend Saddam Hussein. Thus ensuring peaceful relations with Iraq
forever! During the Cold War, Islamist fighters in
Afghanistan square off against the godless Soviets. America aids a group of staunch anti-Russians
called the Mujahadeen, including an energetic young man named Osama
bin Laden. Thus ensuring a beneficial relationship between
the United States and Afghanistan forever! In 1991 America goes to war with Iraq’s
evil dictator Saddam Hussein, who had illegally occupied Kuwait. After a brief period of vigorous bombing,
President Bush declares victory. Thus ensuring that America need never return
to Iraq, forever! In 2001, the United States declares war on
the Taliban for shielding evil terrorist mastermind Osama
bin Laden. We may never know how Afghanistan’s ultra-conservative jihadist government came to power, or from where they got their guns. But we do know that America’s ongoing presence
ensures a lasting peace with a grateful people. Forever! In 2003 President George W. Bush ousts evil
strongman dictator Saddam Hussein. Thus ensuring a democratic, prosperous Iraq
forever! In 2011 President Barack Obama topples the
government of evil Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi. Thus ensuring a peaceful Libya forever! Especially in Benghazi, forever! In 2016 Nobel Peace Prize winner President
Obama drops over 26,000 bombs across seven different
nations. Thus ensuring blah blah blah forever! In 2017 Bashar al Assad unleashes chemical
weapons in Syria, provoking the wrath of new US President Donald
Trump. Trump fires a symbolic fuselage of missiles
at Syria, thus solving the Assad problem forever! A year later Bashar al Assad unleashes chemical
weapons again in Syria after apparently failing to notice the previous
bombing. The direct threat to American national defense
which Syria poses is self-evident, and President Trump authorizes a new strike
against the regime thus ensuring American safety forever! Today scientists believe the Middle East is
one strategic bombing away from a lasting peace. President Trump’s fiery sucker punch in
Syria could be that penultimate explosion the region
so clearly needs. Freeing the United States to turn her attention
to other trouble spots around the globe, and there to enforce an aggressive peace,
forever!

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