Mr. Peanut, Planters Icon, Dies In Tragic Accident
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Mr. Peanut, Planters Icon, Dies In Tragic Accident

RIP, Mr. Peanut. It may come as news to some of you that this
ancient advertising icon was, in fact, still alive up until just a few days ago. At the venerable age of 104, you’d have expected
him to have retired long since but, as it turns out, he simply couldn’t afford to, since
Planters only paid peanuts. This hard-working legume wasn’t even permitted
to pass away in his bed. Instead, he died with his spats on in an appalling
accident that can now be viewed on YouTube. “Hey, Mr. Peanut! No, you don’t! Don’t do it, Mr. P.!” Thank Planters for this they wasted no time
ghoulishly releasing the accident footage as a commercial, since nothing makes you want
to buy peanuts like watching an anthropomorphic one perish horribly in a brutal fall followed
by a fiery explosion. “What the hell is wrong with you people?” He was born a poor but humble goober on a
peanut plantation – okay, a sketchpad – in Suffolk, Virginia, created by a 14-year-old
boy whose drawing was the winner of the Planters mascot contest. Once Mr. Peanut ventured out into the world,
he gained a veneer of sophistication, as many young nuts are wont to do. His polish, however which took the form of
a top hat, monocle, and the aforementioned spats was acquired not at Harvard or Yale,
but through the intervention of an advertising agency. As Parade revealed in its 100th birthday tribute
to Mr. Peanut, the ad men also christened Peanut with a highfalutin moniker befitting
his new status. His full name, though few ever knew it, was
Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe. Throughout the 20th century, Mr. Peanut’s
star rose higher and higher. He was first pictured on a billboard in Times
Square in 1937, and by the 1950s his commercials were airing on nationwide TV. In the early ’60s, he was one of the top attractions
at the New York World’s Fair. Toward the end of the century, Mr. Peanut
demonstrated that you really can teach an old nut new tricks: He made his first appearance
in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade in 1997 at the age of 81, and in 2010, after 94 years
of silence, Mr. Peanut finally began speaking although not, it may be noted, in his final
appearance, where he died in heroic silence. Poor old Peanut. Instead of being allowed to hang out with
his fellow elderly advertising peers like the Michelin Man and the Jolly Green Giant,
he was instead forced to go out on a road trip accompanied by former Veep star Matt
Walsh and action-hero-turned-guy-who’s-hard-up-enough-to-appear-in-a-peanut-commercial Wesley Snipes. For some reason they were driving through
the desert, but the combination of an unexpected armadillo and Walsh and Snipes’ excruciating
duet of “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” caused the NUTmobile to swerve off the road. The trio were left dangling from a branch
that was evidently only able to support two hanging bodies, so Mr. Peanut bravely sacrificed
himself to save his friends. When the news broke that Mr. Peanut was no
more, his fellow brand spokespersons took to Twitter to express their sympathy. Oscar Mayer reminisced about the times Peanut,
quote, “rode the hot dog highways with us in the NUTmobile,” while Kraft Mac & Cheese
tweeted that their, quote, “box was especially blue today.” Mr. Clean called his fellow Mr., quote, “always
classy, always crunchy,” and Snickers claimed that they, too, quote, “would sacrifice it
all for the nut.” “Well, that’s a weird thing to say.” A certain segment of the Twitterati, however,
was not nearly so gracious in regards to the deceased Peanut. One user claimed that Mr. Peanut belonged
in hell due to the fact that he’d, quote, “spent decades as the smiling face of a company
that sold the boiled and roasted corpses of his people as a snack.” Still another tweeted that he wished death
upon the whole advertising mascot clan, claiming he, quote, “won’t be happy til every corporation
violently kills off its mascots.” “Calm down! Calm down! Calm down, dude!” While the end of the commercial makes it pretty
clear that Peanut is definitively dead, it’s not the last appearance he’ll make on behalf
of Planters. The accident footage will air during the Super
Bowl pregame show, and during the third quarter of the big game itself, Planters will spare
30 seconds to memorialize Mr. Peanut with a funeral/commercial. If you’re truly devastated by Peanut’s passing,
Today says you can follow “The Estate of Mr. Peanut” on social media for the chance to
win Mr. Peanut commemorative packaging. And, in a slightly macabre touch considering
the circumstances of his accident, there will be three NUTmobiles touring the country through
Super Bowl Sunday distributing special Mr. Peanut pins to his mourners. Oh, 2020… what a time to be alive. Oh too soon? Sorry… Check out one of our newest videos right here! Plus, even more Mashed videos about your favorite
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