Our Weekly Constitutional Crisis: Comey Edition | May 10, 2017 Act 1 | Full Frontal on TBS
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Our Weekly Constitutional Crisis: Comey Edition | May 10, 2017 Act 1 | Full Frontal on TBS

-I am Samantha Bee. Welcome to “Full Frontal.” Ooh, what a fun
time to be alive! Absolutely explosive news
out of Washington tonight. The city erupting at the news. The bombshell announcement– It is seismic. It’s bizarre, and
it’s an earthquake. It is so outrageous. It is so grotesque. It is so wrong. This is shocking. Shocked would be a
gross understatement. This is a crisis
for the country. The shock waves
will ripple out here. Ooh, a shock wave
bombshell earthquake! [GASPS] Oh, how I pity
anyone in the DC area who was baking a souffle
when the news broke. I’m so sorry for your
loss, Lindsey Graham. This brings us to our
recurring segment, Our Weekly Constitutional Crisis– What the Fuck Is It This Time? As of yesterday afternoon, the
only FBI drama most Americans expected to unfold on TV were
the upcoming seasons of “Twin Peaks” and the “X-Files.” But at 6:00 PM, with
our show written, and the staff on
their second whiskey, our dumb democracy ran into a
wall with a bucket on its head again. I was on the way to winning,
until the combination of Jim Comey’s letter,
on October 28th, and Russian Wikileaks raised
doubts in the minds of people. ANNOUNCER: This is
CNN Breaking News. All right, we have
major breaking news. We’re interrupting that report. Jeff Zeleny, our White House– senior White House correspondent
is joining us on the future of the FBI director. The President of
the United States has terminated the Director
of the FBI, James Comey. Ugh! Comey managed to get
in Hillary’s way one last time, for old time’s sake. Thus began the slow
motion clusterfuck of impulsiveness and
ineptitude that this White House is famous for. Trump had his bodyguard
take a dismissal letter– complete with a totally
normal digression about how the president didn’t
collude with Russia, OK– and hand-deliver it straight
to FBI Headquarters, where Comey wasn’t. He was in Los Angeles, where
he learned about his firing from a TV report, got in an SUV
and was slowly followed down the highway in a weird
echo of the OJ chase, except not really,
because we know the president would
never have fired his good friend, the “Juice.” Then Sean Spicer
“managed the narrative” by hiding in the bushes
so reporters wouldn’t film him, because he’d
rather get lyme disease than talk to the press. And the cable news networks
flipped out for six hours without a single commercial
break, which means Americans spent the whole
evening not knowing who to call about
our mesothelioma, or what pill to take for
opioid-induced constipation. I tried prunes, laxatives,
still constipated. I had to talk to my doctor. She said, how long you
been holding this in? [CHUCKLES] And what the hell am I supposed
to do with all my old gold? They say those
who forget history are doomed to repeat it. But last night, those who
remembered history also got pretty repetitive. It was October 20, 1973,
the Saturday Night Massacre, when Richard Nixon
fired Archibald Cox, the special prosecutor. Perhaps worse than
October 20, 1973. ADAM SCHIFF (ON
PHONE): –most tainted actions by President Nixon. –were hot on his
tail on Watergate. The shades of Nixon. The Watergate break-in. The Saturday Night Massacre. It looks like he’s pulled a
“Saturday Night Live” Massacre. Wasn’t that the working title
for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? By 7:30– and I am
not making this up– the staff of Nixon’s
official library were trying to wash the Donald
Trump taint off Richard Nixon, with the hashtag,
#notNixonian, which is fair. At least Nixon wasn’t at
war with lat-night comedy. Sock it to me? You know what, fine, guys. Trump doesn’t want to be
associated with you either. Wait, oh my god, are
you fucking kidding me? Where did Henry
Kissinger come from? [CHUCKLES] Why was
he at the White House at this very moment? He never left. He’s been trapped in the
dumbwaiter all these years. Ooh, I can’t wait
for R. Kelly to write a hip-hopper about this. And while you’re at it, R., get
Trump to release his “P” tape. Reached for comment inside
the Large Hadron Collider, Vladimir Putin said this. We know. That’s the problem. His only competence
is firing people. And he’s too dumb to understand
why this time, his ratings didn’t go up. I was told by–
earlier tonight– by a source familiar with
discussions inside the White House, that they
did not expect this to be the political
explosion that it was. News flash, most of us
love our democratic norms more than we hate the other
team, President Ding-Dong. This isn’t partisan. I don’t like James Comey. Nobody does. You either think he lost
Hillary the election. Or you think he’s the
reason she’s not locked up. Comey is a bit of a turd. But at least he’s
an independent turd. Whoever Trump appoints
next to lead the FBI, whether it’s David Clarke, Joe
Arpaio, or Ivanka in a trench coat, they’ll know that if they
look too hard at Trump’s Russia connections, they’ll be out. That’s why Jeffrey
Toobin’s job last night was to appear on
every single show and say one thing over and over. This is not normal. This is not normal. I do know that
this is not normal. This is not a normal
event in American history. It’s not normal, and
it’s not American. It’s not normal. This is not how
presidents behave. Jeff Toobin, I
gotta start with you. Is this normal? This– no. I guess we’ll never know,
except this has become normal. This president has wiped his
ass with the Constitution so many times, the
National Archives started leaving
passive-aggressive notes asking him to chip
in for toilet paper. When POTUS shot off an
insulting infantile tweet during Hannity’s show, as
usual, we were just relieved it wasn’t a whole tweet storm. Just one tweet, gosh, that’s
practically presidential. That’s where we are. The president is meeting
with a war criminal. Putin’s playing space hockey. And the press secretary is
hiding in some shrubbery. Did I miss anything? We didn’t get the
chance to say it. This is Day 110 of the
Trump administration. Oh, god. Sean, scoot over. We’ll be right back. [MUSIC PLAYING]


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