Presidential Address Cold Open – SNL
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Presidential Address Cold Open – SNL


[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>>GOOD EVENING, I’M ANDERSON COOPER, AND THIS IS CNN.
YOUR NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR IMPEACHMENT PORN.
THIS HAS BEEN A WEEK OF SHOCKING REVELATIONS OUT OF THE WHITE
HOUSE, NOT THE LEAST OF WHICH IS THE ONGOING DEBATE OVER GUN
CONTROL. AT TIMES LIKE THIS, WE LOOK TO
OUR LEADERS FOR GUIDANCE, INSTEAD, WE’LL HEAR FROM DONALD
TRUMP. WHO HAS CALLED A SECOND
BIPARTISAN SYMPOSIUM, WHERE HE WILL READ A PREPARED STATEMENT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>TONIGHT I AM HERE TO BRING
YOU A MESSAGE OF HEALING AND A SHOW OF UNITY, ALONG WITH MIKE
PENCE AND SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN.
LAST WEEK I MET WITH A GROUP OF TEENAGES SURVIVORS OF GUN
VIOLENCE, I WANT TO ASSURE THEM ONCE AGAIN THAT I HEAR YOU, AND
I CARE. RENT LEGO NINJAGO STORY.
SORRY, ERIC SCRIBBLED SOME NOTES ON THERE.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A HARD LOOK AT MENTAL HEALTH.
WHICH I HAVE SO MUCH OF. I HAVE ONE OF THE HEALTHIEST
MENTALS. MY MENTALS ARE SO HIGH, WE HAVE
TO RESPECT THE LAW. BELIEVE ME, NO ONE LOVES THE
SECOND AMENDMENT AND DUE PROCESS MORE THAN ME.
MAYBE WE JUST TAKE EVERYONE’S GUNS AWAY.
NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO HAVE A GUN. NOT EVEN WHITES.
DID WE LIKE THAT, DIANNE LOVES THAT, SHE HASN’T BEEN THIS
EXCITED SINCE WOMEN WERE ALLOWED TO GET JOBS.
LOOK AT MIKE, HE HATES IT. I MET WITH THE NRA, THEY GAVE ME
30 MILLION GOOD REASONS NOT TO CHANGE A THING.
SO CHA CHING, IT’S ALL GOOD. WE’RE STILL FRIENDS, RIGHT?
>>YEAH.>>LOOK AT HIM, HE’S SO
UNCOMFORTABLE HE HATES THIS. HE’S WORRIED THIS IS A GATEWAY
TOUCH. BUT THE YOUTH OF AMERICA DESERVE
TO FEEL SAFE AND SECURE IN THEIR SCHOOLS, BECAUSE FOLKS, I CAN
ONLY RUN INTO SO MANY SCHOOLS AND SAVE EVERYBODY.
IF I COULD, I’D RUN INTO ALL OF THEM, EVEN WITHOUT A WEAPON, I’D
BURST THROUGH THE DOORS AND I’D BE RUNNING SO FAST.
I’M A VERY FAST RUNNER. I’D BE RETURNING SO FAST, THE
GUY WITH THE GUN WOULDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT HIM.
BING BING, DING DONGDANG HE’S PUNISHED.
I’D KEEP RUNNING, I’D RUN TO NORTH KOREA, COMPETING UNARMED.
FIND LITTLE ROCK ET MAN. PINGPING PANG, THROW HIM RIGHT
OVER THE GREAT WALL OF KOREA. IF I HAVE TO MAKE AMERICA’S
SCHOOLS SAFE ALL BY MYSELF, I WILL.
JUST LIKE HOW I’M RUNNING THE WHITE HOUSE ALL BY MYSELF.
BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR ME KEEP RESIGNING.
HOPE HICKS, SHE’S LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME, SO SMART, SO
HOT. SHE RESIGNED.
YOU KNOW, I HATE SEEING HER GO, BUT I LOVE WATCHING HER WALK
AWAY. BOOM, BOOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I MEAN, JARED KUSHNER’S
BASICALLY THE HOTTEST CHICK LEFT IN THE PLACE.
AND HE’S PROBABLY GOING TO JAIL SOON, SO HE’S OUT.
THAT SHOULD BE OKAY. EVERYONE ELSE IS STAYING, RIGHT?
McMASTER, ARE YOU STAYING? AM I RIGHT?
ALWAYS STAND BY MY SIDE — ANYWAY, IF WE’RE GOING TO STOP
THIS GUN VIOLENCE WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER, WHITES, BLACKS,
EVEN SOME OF THE GOOD IMMIGRANTS, DO WE CALL THEM
GRINTS, I’M GOING TO CALL THEM GRINTS.
WE NEED TO HEAL THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS, IT REALLY IS
ONE OF THE BEST TOP FIVE. WE COULD DO BETTER.
I MEAN, THEY’RE ALL BEATING US, CHINA, JAPAN, WAKANDA.
OKAY? WAKANDA IS LAUGHING AT US.
RIGHT. THEY HAVE FLYING CARS, PEOPLE IN
WAKANDA. I ANNOUNCED THE STEEL AND
ALUMINUM TARIFFS THIS WEEK, PEOPLE ARE GOING NUTS ABOUT IT.
I BROUGHT BACK THE STEEL INDUSTRY BY DESTROYING THE AUTO
INDUSTRY AND TANKING THE STOCK MARKET.
IMPRESSIVE. LOOK AT THAT, BOTH SIDES HATED
IT, I DON’T CARE. I SAID I WAS GOING TO RUN THIS
COUNTRY LIKE A BUSINESS. THAT BUSINESS IS A WAFFLE HOUSE
AT 2:00. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
CRAZIES EVERYWHERE, STAFF WALKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF
THEIR SHIFT. MANAGERS TAKING MONEY OUT OF THE
CASH REGISTER TO PAY OFF THE RUSSIAN MOB.
BUT MAYBE WE DO JUST TAKE ALL THE GUNS AWAY.
>>OOH.>>SHE LOVES IT, SHE’S LOOKING
AT ME LIKE A CARTOON PORK CHOP, OKAY?
SHE’S GREAT. ALL THE PEOPLE HERE ARE GREAT,
EXCEPT JEFF SESSIONS, HE NEEDS TO GO.
I CALL HIM MR. MAGOO, EVERYONE LOVES IT.
PEOPLE AROUND HERE IN THE WHITE HOUSE SAY STOP, I’M LAUGHING SO
HARD, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE, I RESIGN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>THAT’S VERY FUNNY, MR.
PRESIDENT. BUT I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
I’M LIKE SKUNK STINK ON A BIRD DOG, SIR, I LINGER.
AND I JUST HAD DINNER WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT THE DEPARTMENT
OF JUSTICE. AND WOW!
YOUR NAME POPPED UP MORE THAN A WEASEL IN A PUMPKIN PATCH.
THAT’S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT. YOU CAN’T BULLY ME ANY MORE.
FOR THE FIRST TIME I’M STANDING UP ON MY OWN HIND LEGS.
OKAY? HOW ABOUT WE SAY IT TOGETHER FOR
OLD TIME SAKE, HUH?>>LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

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