Concepts of Federalism
Wow! Been obsessing about a narcissist ex for about a decade now…very timely video will help in my recovery…
Terrific video, Dr. Ramani. Great observation: "Healthy people take responsibility."
Thanks so much. I needed this right now. Over 12months separated, but still unable to sleep, feeling anger and a responsibility to protect others of his abuse. Covert narcissistic relationship for 32years. Mask fell completely off twelve months ago. Cheating, lying, blaming, gaslighting etc. No closure. He did a runner.
It’s been five years and still a day still doesn’t go by I don’t think about it. I wish there was a pill or something I could take to just erase it from my mind. He has even married wife #4 and I have convinced myself he finally found the right one, that it was all my fault and I deserved the abuse. There is this horrible side to me that wants his marriage to fail so it will confirm he is the problem and it’s not my imagination.
I tried to end things in May in a healthy way but he basically wouldnt have it. Started trying to sabotage everything.. I was growing apart in a healthy natural way but he started trying to sleep with anyone we had met together AND people I didnt even know.. then he would nonchalantantly tell me about it… the ways he tried to hurt me really stick in my head.. I replay the moments I found out the lies and it just.. trying to shove drugs in my face… messes with my head. Cant believe someone would treat someone they love with such little regard and respect. Really trying to let go. I am suffering mentally for sure.
Thank you for the video. Indeed it pulls you out if your life.My mother is the narc in my life. Minimal contact since I got sick (CFS, thanks mom!) 4 years ago. But I still ruminate day in day out, angry, agressive, sad,… just thinking about the nasty things she said, or would say.
Thank you,I believe that I have recovered from a 20 year marriage to a toxic wife,only to find that my daughter is married to a toxic person. Now I can understand why I have been ruminating for so long,trying to help my daughter to see what is happening, and with her step mom pulling against me it is difficult,again thanks for this information
I wish you did therapy online via camera but Im sure there would be a waiting list for years.
Wake me up when rumination ends, and not a second earlier! Done!!!
I am constantly ruminating. Now I am 25 years old, but since I know for myself my parents and everyone around me was telling me how fat I was, they broke my congidence and made me hate myself and seeing me in their eyes. I can't forgive them and I don't know how to stop.
I ruminate because I'm still kinda shocked at what I allowed in my life. You are really under some hazy spell the whole time. Losing yourself is so painful.
Thanks for this, Dr Ramani! Friends do not understand what we are going through, and can make our ruminatings much worse! We need to be careful whom we share our narc abuse stories with. Because no one who has never been through what we have, could possibly understand us
Im so glad you made this video. I ruminate over things like this especially when someone behaves like an ass for no apparent reason then tells me, no it didn't happen like that. Im glad to hear the rumination is normal and it is about trying to understand a situation that makes no sense. Thanks
I did this with an ex boyfriend. I drove my girlfriends crazy. I didn't know what gaslighting was at the time. He was constantly gaslighting me. And at the end I found out he was using cocaine. I was left feeling dumb. I always felt like he was cheating. I'm a natural worrier. It took me a while but I moved on. He immediately dated someone else and started posting pics on fb.
Ive always said that breaking up or divorcing this very very toxic woman is harder than quiting alcohol, ciggerettes or eating bad. I know shes terrible for me and we dont have a good life together. But ive not been able to let her go. Its amazing!! I think its the rejection and confusion for sure. She made me feel like im not enough ..for anyone. Great video.
I’ve been out of the relationship for nearly 3 months (I was discarded) and I just wish I could get them out of my brain. I am healing but it just feels like he’s forever haunting me without even being here.
I ruminate about the lovebombing phase, even when that was over, we would have good ‘moments’ everyday. So I still question whether it was me that was the problem. But I know I could never do enough.
I haven’t spoken to my narcissist father since June 2019 because of a terrible display of abusive narcissistic rage he unleashed on me and my daughter when we were visiting him and my mom. Since then he has sent my daughter gifts through my mom, and played the victim, like we abandoned him and he did nothing that bad. My mom doesn’t really talk to me much anymore because he is torturing her as to why I don’t call him and thank him for the gifts. She knows why I have left him, she knows but doesn’t care because it makes her life harder she says. After New Years we received a holiday card from my mom and dad that says they wish us well etc. neither one of them signed the card “love,” Das and Mom. Just signed Dad, Mom. My daughter noticed this and cried. The omission of “love” was intentional. Still finding a way to hurt us. I feel like I shouldn’t have opened that card. He wants me to feel guilty, like they are victims and I, the ungrateful, terrible daughter. I fight that feeling every day because I know it’s not true. I was gaslighted my whole life about my fathers physical and emotional abuse. He was the victim though I bared the bruises and the anguish. No more. But I do think about it every day. I ask myself why he doesn’t love me, my daughter to the point of continuing his abuse, however subtle, when we are already hurt enough to block him from our lives. He just doesn’t care. That’s the truth.
Am glad after 12 months am snapping out of it. Not easy though.
This couldn’t have come at a better time!
This made me cry. 10 years ago I went through a horrible narcissistic relationship that lasted 2 years. It ended with him getting a friend to come beat me up. He was smart, if he hit me it was always where my hair is so it was never showing, and in this instance he got a girl to do it. She came in my house and started punching me, then I heard him in the background saying "C'mon hit her harder!!" We were standing face to face and punching eachother and he came behind me and held my arms behind my back so she had a clear shot to my face. She took it. I fell to the ground bleeding from my nose. He leaned down, looked me straight in the eyes with a smile and said "yep…looks like your nose is broken." They left. It's been 10 years of rumination. I look at photos of my beaten face, I cry in the shower. I don't know how to get over it.
For narcissistic breakups, you spend so much time trying to figure out what happened and how the hell you got there in the first place. It’s like having the rug jerked out from under you and it’s like “WTF was that?!” It’s not as easy A + B = C… until you figure out how these people tick and then it’s easy. I’m extremely neurotic and it took a long time to figure this out, even though I had no feelings left for this person.
Been ruminating for yrs but trying so hard to stop it.Thank you for video.
Good topic! As the 20 year spouse of a man previously married to a malignant narcissist with a handicapped child.. it is easy to ruminate on the situation because it never ends! We’ve just simply come to a place where we “ don’t respond” and just keep our distance” to protect ourselves! But you continually find yourself Just amazed by the chronic manipulation, lies, living in the past, anger and recriminations! The drunk dialing/ texting, false allegations and attempts to remain relevant after not being married to my husband after over 20 years of being divorced is just borderline obsessive! The bullying, verbal and emotional abuse leaves you feeling like you have PTSD !
Thank You So Very Much for this video! This has made me feel more at Peace knowing this is a processing tool & Normal!
Another wonderful video Dr Ramani on rumination. That had been my curse. Even with therapy I had a difficult time being released by the ruminating crack habit.What finally helped me Dr Ramani was your in-depth explanation as to why it happens. That has been huge. You give that “under the hood” explanation so as to understand how one’s mind can layer so much traumatic abuse that it creeps into our cellular level. Once I understood through your explanation why rumination happens, it awakened my mind to realize that I was not the only one that struggled with this residual curse of rumination in leaving a narcissist. I finally conquered it because yes indeed, knowledge of why one’s mind can get trapped in a loop helps to release the shackles and allow for a new vision with our lives that are too short to throw away on those that are not deserving. We are in the brink of so much happening to our earth right now that all of us that are suffering or have suffered narcissistic abuse, let’s instead take away from that wasted energy into worthy productive causes that need each and everyone of our caring hearts to channel so much better at this moment of so much need. Thank you again Dr. Ramani for your contribution in this time of so much need.
The love bombing
Thank you. I am doing OK now, but definitely do this, even 3 years after he left, and 3 months after our divorce. The difficulty I have is still trying to work out what was going on in certain dangerous incidents, and worry that if I couldn't spot the problem then how will I spot the danger with someone else. Also, anger at the OW for carrying on an affair with a man she knew was married and helping him to gaslight me. After he left I found hundreds of messages from her on an old laptop, and she was actively assisting him to gaslight me, even giving him tips and making demands that she knew he couldn't fulfill unless he gaslighted me to make it possible. She set him tasks to carry out when we were together that devalued me and made her his priority and he reported back to her about it and they thought it was funny.They both acted together against me and egged each other on, even though I was the innocent and vulnerable party. They are well suited, but it is hard for me to overcome it all.
I think most people have never really heard about npd etc. When they stumble across it, and so many things point in that direction it's fascinating. We go down the rabbit hole of learning about it. Ruminating on things that happened, and checking off boxes. Depending on how the situation was depends on just how deep the rabbit hole goes. After we've thoroughly figured things out the rumination stops, we detach, and while we may still check in on these videos they really don't bother us anymore. It's just un emotional entertainment. Almost like listening to a recap of what teams won during the week of sporting events. What really gets people's goat is these cluster b's come in as an angel of light. They come in as what we've been looking for, and when you solve the riddle it's pretty mind blowing. I can say one thing. Most of us are like that song by the 'WHO' and, 'we won't be fooled again'.
yes I still can't believe that she had a guy on the side, for most of the 40 years and I didn't even realize it because of all the gaslighting, how could that of happened, and how could I have cheated myself, out of having a better life.
I do this following growing up in a cult and marrying a child of a Narcissist with many similar traits! I fear not identifying red flags in the future and falling into same relationships!
Thank you, thank you!
its marinating upon and looping in the thinking is b/ of confusion/gasliting but the reality is that a person thinking of it or wanting closure with pple whom you cant have a deep dive talk with – its ok to observe and explore the rumination but those pple are not thinking about you all at, you were discarded as I was by a cruel mind twisting narc. I say, its a fallen world and my dislike is redirected to art projects, better leveled up thinking, so the narc meant it for bad but its turned into good. Also, why bother spending energy on a person whom didn;'t choose you and threw you away you or I. Plus when could anyone have a honest talk with them. Rare. Let the narc person go 🙂 Prove nothing, walk away and learn from it.
Hey anyone tell me what you think: the crazy mean petty mother in,law texts my hubands 15 ish times a day with petty stuff that she should talk to her husband about. Recently she texted my husband horrible things, attacking him for not sending her a christmas gift. He spent them a christmas card.She was telling him that he is off the power of attorney (yes!), not going to visit us in April (yes!) And she is going to tell his dad on him…(wtf, he is a grown man). She kept attacking over the text with other dumb stuff ,i would tell her to shut up. My husband was super hurt and sad and wouldn't tell me why. So workout him knowing i looked at the text.I am upset that she is attacking my husband. And he doesn't deserve,he is a sweet guy. And she is trying to keep him away from his dad and speaking to his dad.What would you do?
I may have rumination
My husband, called me bad names, hyprocrite, a fraud. Ects…. He said he was giving me a lift in life, that I didnt have anything of value if it wasnt for him. I have left him its been about 3 weeks now, and trying to get him to give me a divorce. But i cant stop rumanating about the love bombing, or what Did i get myself into, specially people, people dont understand what Narcissim is, now im standing by myself in trying to get him to give me a divorce. Its soo sad that apparently im seen as the evil one, the one that is running away, the mentally weak … its very depressing and confusing.
I’m getting over a narcissistic relationship, but before I was with his cousin who is also narcissistic, and that’s how I began to see that there was something wrong, I went to therapy, nobody really told me what was going on with me, and why did I pick this men, now I know that it is because my mother and my grandfather are narcissists, I had already broken up with them in 2015-16, I didn’t speak to them, but they both apologized and it seemed so sincere that I got back together with one of them, and I’m struggling in college, I’m stuck with my thesis, because of all the rumination that I’ve been living in. Now I’m out And I going to give all that energy so I can graduate this year, it took me 8 years to finish my career when it’s supposed to last 5 years, it has taken a lot of me. Thank you I needed this, I’m from Costa Rica I wish I could go t therapy with you.
My healing came from changing the way I thought about ruminations and used them to start healing. In my opinion, ruminations are the key to healing. Trying to push them away with changing thought and medicating is no different then not dealing with your problems and repeating the same destructive patterns of being a victim. I found that through understanding ruminations that you will find your wounds, learn boundaries, self respect and heal. The brain is very smart. It’s ruminating for a reason. Dive into those ruminations. What you resist, persists. I used my ruminations to my advantage. I would think that with what I learned for myself about how to use them then a therapist would see them as an amazing key to unlocking the true self and to heal. I’m not a therapist or recommending anyone to take my advice, I am just stating what I learned by understanding my brain and why it was ruminating and how I used that to my advantage.
the intense love bombing might be the source of rumination. the narc subtly hooked us throughout the cycle.
Spot on! Thank you Dr. Ramani! ♥️🙏 Love and Light ♥️🙏
Rumination might be my death! If I could get the gaslit messages out of my mind I could be a better person. A better parent. A better friend. A better sister.I woke from a nightmare the other night. I was being taken in a car at night by the nex and his wif. They were tricking me. Gaslighting makes me feel stupid even in my dreams. I did escape again, and again. I know irl to watch my back at all times.What is the difference between ruminate and flashback, Dr. Ramani?
I still haven't recovered from the narcissistic abuse that took place around 1.5 years ago. I try to make myself understand, then I feel better for sometime and then again I am back to square one.
Happy New Year, dear doc! ❤️ And Happy New Year to all of you! 🌹Yeah, this message has nothing to do with this video, but had to tell you. 🙂
That 'bug'in the ear can be a real challenge when kids are involved, you know they are constantly exposed to it therefore all cant completely escape and you see them display some of these narcissistic behaviours etc…picked up through osmosis Im guessing?..This can be the sticking point as you battle to 'fight with grace' suck it up, shut your mouth but feel ineffective at preventing the influence and try to steer kids away from or recognize the behaviour themselves if present because it is what a parent does- to try and make them good respected people, to be proud of who they are….until they are at university and then hopefully they reflect and 'see the light' before there is intergenerational relationship 'trainwrecks'. I guess once you have got this far you cant do much more and then able to let go and hope the kids have been protected enough and gain valuable insight.
He sent me a “holiday Hoover “ . “ I’ve been thinking about u…miss you” . With my knowledge I new he was lying. My saving grace is knowing that he has a personality disorder and that I’m a good person and refuse to have him dangle a carrot and future fake me. I’m better than that and not falling back into his black hole
Doctor Ramani, your empathy and your kindness is a gift! Thanks to all the people like you who try to heal abused of narcissist. I am a doctor in plant genetics but my next job will be to be a psychologist 🙂 Joining officially the resistance
What can we do to oust the narcissists who run the mental facilities in America?
This is my story: we broke it off at the end of 2018. So a little bit over a year, and this New Year’s Eve I remembered how sad I was then. When we broke up the I thought we did it as a mostly common decision, as in we needed to grow yet needed to do so on our own.
Six months after the break up she sent me the longest message I will ever receive. Describing, weirdly enough in chronological order our relationship and everything I did wrong. At times she mention how she had some input and messed up, but 90% of it all was still my fault.
In addition she rubbed it in my face how I was not like the other guys she was seeing now.
All in all it was really heartbreaking, yet have been to therapy over 6 months. And now feel like I can move on, at least to the point where I don’t obsess over it all.
I want to write this to someone who’s experiencing something similar, and to say that it has taught me a lot about myself, this healing process. And that there is an light in the end of tunnel 🙂
"Rumination is trying to process something that doesn’t make sense."… Powerful!
Thank you! You're AWESOME!
it has been five years since i broke up with my covert narcissist girlfriend. I still ruminate about her constantly though. I can't help it. It is beyond my control. I ask myself why did this happened to me. Could it have something to do with the fact that my mother is a covert narcissist?
So on point. I’m still stuck in this hateful dysfunctional relationship, due to medical insurance and financial issues but, continually ruminate about past events, conversations, the beginning of the relationship etc. I’m disgusted at myself for not freeing myself from the obsessive thinking. It’s crippling. I know it’s not healthy, I know I’m not emotionally healthy and I know it needs to end. But, how the heck do you get it to stop…the excessive lying, cheating, blaming, and constant gaslighting explanation helps to bring some clarity to this issue.
I became a stalker on social media on my ex narc for some time. ☹️ I’ve been narc free for 1 year and still miss him sometimes. We were together for 4years, but I love my life now ✨🙏 never a narc again!
I left my wife because she fel in love what someone else. And she convinced me that she loved both of us. But after a few months I left her. And now I see she is a narcissistic woman. Example: when I texted her that I didn’t go to a social thing of the daycare of our son. She went crazy. She told me that I have no soul and I don’t care about our son.
Now I understand the narcissist behaviours and the way he thinks.Sometimes, I wonder do narcissistic ppl genuinely bad?No hope at all? For me, it’s really hard to accept that ppl can be so cruel and mean to someone who loves him.
My ex narc gave me the silent treatment for calling the both of us out on being rude and using our phone instead of talking to each other, considering I had taken three buses and spent an hour and a half almost to come to his place so we could spend at least a couple of hours together. I decided I'd rather go home since I could have as well just stayed home and spent time on my phone instead of in each other's presence. I thought he'd convince me to stay and acknowledge that we were both rude to give more attention to our phones. Instead, when I got home, he gave me the silent treatment for about 3 days. Couples to fight, even over silly things, and to me this was one of those things. Three days into his silent treatment, I lost one of my best friends to suicide and a week later my mom had a stroke. Being in a foreign country, all by myself and knowing only him, I needed his shoulder to cry on. Normally, I believe even if you are angry at someone and hear they are going through certain situations, you can put aside your anger for a minute and be there for them and perhaps deal with the prior fight later. In my case, despite the fact that my little sister even contacted him without my knowledge and begged him to reach out to me, he literally told my sister he never ever wanted to talk to me again. And when my sister asked what exactly had happened between us, he totally ignores her text. And he literally discarded me at the time I needed him the most. It hurt so badly it felt like someone reaped my heart out of my chest and crashed it into pieces. I was torn. When I think about what I had to go through with him, it still hurts. I hope I will totally heal from this one day. And yes, getting over a narcissistic relationship is way too difficult people who haven't been through it find it hard to fathom. Thank you Doctor Ramani for all your support here.
Excellent topic doc! After ending the most horrific experience of my life, I was left just totally baffled. I consider myself to have a healthy self esteem and to be fairly well put together. I've learned that there is no closure on the horizon. I don't believe the awful things he said because they were not true. I loved this person and they hurt me deeply. There was no repair that could save my marriage. I think about the love bombing phase, when everything seemed so perfect. I wonder if he thinks about me, misses me at all. I wonder if he's found someone new. I hope he finds peace within himself, fully aware that for him, this cycle will just continue with all relationships that he has after me. It's been just over three months no contract. Serenity has returned to my life! Because I have compassion and empathy, I speculate that that is why I ruminate. Something the narcissist does not possess. Good people, trusting people, are vulnerable to being used because of their kindness. We get taken advantage of. I would not wish an experience like this on my worst enemy (if I had one).Each day is getting better, I'm moving forward and on with my life! Thank you God. D
You are such a fantastic presenter of information Great job!!! Appreciate you
Because it can be traumatic for a relationship or the damage went deep emotionally in other ways. It can break people so much. I know this for myself, first gf committed suicide my second physical abused me by hitting me and when she cheated i broke up and she tried to stab me with a knife on Christmas eve. My last also lied cheated gaslighting and had to remove her from my home with the help of police. So yeah it sucks i dont trust anything and got ptsd now because of these events.
For anyone still struggling after many years, I was married to my narc for 6 years but it was my formative years. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything and his betrayal was gut wrenching. We had a child together so the torture continued until my daughter couldn’t handle his mind games anymore and cut him off. That’s when my healing began. 6 years of painful marriage and 15 years of mind games afterward…I’m not free but I not scared anymore.
It's that evil demonic soul tie and cult like brain washing they do to us..pure evil. Glad I got rid of that dead empty corpse ♥♥
Thank you for your enlightening video Dr. Ramani. I trully believed that this thoughts were normal, but now I understand that these 30 years with many different relationships (narcissistic members of family overall) have a devastating cost. Have a wonderful new year, free of narc people in your life.
You say so much and confirm so much what i never had in therapy here. The therapist always were searching for other things than trauma and turning it in something i did not find myself in. But when I watch you i totally feel confirmed
Back then I was not very stylish and confident. I didn't have much fashion sense and was also an anxiety patient. My ex narc said " I didn't look good enough". That was a reason he left me. Even now I think of him and compare my looks with his present partner. I consider it's all my fault.
Your videos are great. This one made me stunned. I wish a hade learn this 10 years ago. But I guess this is called experience. Thank You!
My daughter is in a very abusive narcissistic relationship. Her dad… also a narcissist…cheated and divorced..when she was 11- It seems that she is somehow reliving this situation because her boyfriend is very much like her dad..and it’s making it harder for her to leave the relationship.
Perfect timing. Been ruminating too much. These videos are so helpful
I have to disagree with something dr. Ramani said, and that plenty of other doctors and therapists have said also. As hard as it is to hear, there is something wrong with people who attract and stay in narcissistic relationships. Empathetic people, the type of people that attract narcissists most often, have a hunger, a need, for affection and connection that dominates there whole personality. This lack that they feel all the time subconsciously or consciously causes them to both attract, and to stay in abusive relationships. People without this lack do not stay and accept abuse. I'm speaking from personal experience. I have a hunger that I have carried with me my whole life, and I have attracted abusive behavior from people Non-Stop.. I can go on forever, but the point is that the feelings of Lack, and emotional hunger, and need cause people to stay in abusive relationships of all kinds just so that they have something to quench that hunger.Most often, it's not your generosity, or your understanding, or your deep love and appreciation, your patience, or any number of positive qualities that cause you to attract and stay with a narcissist, it was your need. Your hunger for powerful emotional connection, for love. Everybody has that hunger, it's human. When taken to an extreme because of earlier damage or abuse, a person becomes so hungry for affection and connection that they will stay and let somebody hurt them over and over because inside they are starving. I know it's hard to hear, but it was really helpful for me when I heard it so I hope that knowing that will help some of you too. Especially if you keep on attracting the same type of relationship over and over again. Doctor, your videos are extraordinary and thank you so much for posting them. They have been incredibly helpful to me. This is just something that I have found to be true, and I think it's important for warm, sensitive, giving people to realize about themselves. It doesn't make them any less wonderful, but it does make them more vulnerable to this kind of abuse.
This exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I’m still married to him but find myself in a daze trying to figure out the whys. This channel has helped me so much and has given me hope for myself- which I thought I lost. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Thank you. This video comes on time , to the worst moment of my life. I just want this sad feeling goes away. I dont want him back but i cant stop thinking and cannot tolerate that he starts dating again after just a month
The breakups happened because of the other wasn't fair. Remember that, yes, but to ruminate, never. Happens just to dreamers. Old partners making contact after many years, and believe their bad behavior is forgotten, no way. Then all the crying and telling me how cruel I am.
My narc passed away 4 years ago. Rumination was devastating, and no one's ear could I bend. I am OK now…thank you for your videos, Dr. Ramani. So important to hear the truth about this terrible personality disorder. Honesty, I did not know that my husband was a covert narcissist. He led a completely secret life. When I found out, it was so shocking that I actually had an out-of-body experience…I saw myself from behind. Knowing what to call this thing was the 1st step in healing. Then, of course, your videos that a full of loving kindness and sound guidance.
The rheumantion is the worst and I’ve accepted it. I say ok let it run so it processes and don’t judge it. It is decreasing very slowly and long walks, reading, and hobbies are helping
Thank you for your videos! They really speak to the individual circumstances and instances that happen when a person is exposed to a narcissist in any fashion. You're brilliant and I appreciate the work you do by offering your experience and knowledge of narcissism to help the masses being affected by narcissistic abuse. Godspeed!
I was told the best thing was to move on as quick as possible. But 3 years later was still confused. Listening to your videos is actually whats helping me make sense of all I went through and feeling a lot stronger and confident now. Thank you xxJust moving on without understanding and ironing out the confusion that's left is not a healthy way to recover. It's like burying your head in the sand.
I’m just still pissed.
What’s crazy is that I will be having a good day and something will remind me of a time we had together and the ruminating starts. Questioning why I left and why he cheated, and if it was me?? I’ll be ready when I forget him altogether.
I've watched most of your videos, Dr. Ramani, and sometimes it seems like you are talking specifically about my narcissist ex and me. Even the examples are exactly what I went through and what my ex did to me and my kids. I kicked him out after 20 years of marriage, with the help of the cops, and even the center for abused women. He got married less than a year later; divorced her 7 years later; and now he's dating some poor sap. Damage has already been done to me and my precious children that even counselling hasn't been able to undo. I did not even know what narcissism meant before I stumbled upon your videos about 2 weeks ago. Would LOVE to have you as my counselor, but I know that would be impossible. Keep up the good work!
Thank u For your posts! Could you post a video on spiritual or savior narcissist? My ex used his “spiritual dreams” to accuse me of looking at other guys or cheating on him in the future. He always had me on the defense. I had 3 kid from a previous marriage, we decided to move in together and he complained about the children, noise level, and said he wanted me to apologize and try harder to accommodate for the sacrifice he was making , moving in with my kids. He thought him getting a bigger place for us, even though I gave all my financial savings towards it too, was him saving me and my children. That I should just appreciate whatever he had done for me. He told me that I was ungrateful to him and also to God. He tested people before giving charity to see if they “deserved” it. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. And used being with a mom with kids as leverage in every argument. If he wanted his way during an argument, he would bring up this “difficult transition” he was taking upon himself in order to be with me. Once he asked me to get laser vein removal on a vein by my eye bc I would “look better “. I told him I wasn’t comfortable doing that and was happy with how I looked. He became angry and fought with me saying that. He is going out of his way for me , by eventually living with children who are not his own, but I can’t make a simple sacrifice for him and a “small” request…
the fight that opened my eyes to the reality of the situation was after I had gotten out of work one day. I hadn’t eaten during my shift , and picked up Fries to eat at midnight. He went into a rage, a rage that actually scared me in the car. He was furious that I didn’t offer him a fry first. Or ask if he wanted to eat. Or asked what he had eaten all day. I responded calmly and told him to stop yelling, bc I wasn’t yelling. Then he said the “tone” of my voice was disrespectful.
I dealt with this for a year and a half. I found out I was pregnant. I thought his behavior and attitude would improve but it only became worse. He said he felt tricked into being with me..didn’t feel the same way about me…I went to our room crying. He came an hour later, wanted to be intimate all of a sudden. The next day he was cold towards me, kept to himself, and withheld affection. He said he wasn’t “over” things and needs time. If you know anyone who has had similar experiences I’d love to hear it. Your videos have helped me through this difficult part of my life. Thank u again for all u do.
Omg ruminating is the name of the game for me! It's so bad and the worst part is that I understand the why and the lack of closure but it still doesn't stop. Gets better… but I'm doing dishes and bam! Ruminating… def topic of conversation with my therapist
Thank you for helping me lighten the load. It's taken me years
Haha! You’re a mind reader! YES, I am ruminating about my narcissistic ex. More today than usual. I’m going to need to watch this several times😆
I left my husband but i can not forgive me for not doing it earlyer , i new from the beging i always new what i wanted in life from a kid but i let him take control how stupid was i aa for my mom i cant stop that she plays the victim i just dont leason, and i am not ever ever looking for some thing new, i care only for my great kids and my dogs and i work all day, love from greece
Because we are hurt
Thank you. So helpful. I am divorcing after 29 years of marriage, 33 as a couple. The labeling of the phrase “micro cheating “ is brilliant. My soon to be ex has been inappropriately flirting and vaguely but obviously disrespectful of me with other women our whole marriage. Eventually devolved ( evolved?) into texting, sexting, online fake persona ie… married but apart … single etc. All in secret and lying to both me and whatever desperate/ or equally dishonest women he could locate on line – as well as in professional and personal settings. Spent every party we went to standing across the room in a corner with another women who was “ a great fit”for some business opportunity he had. He also had the other classic behaviors of a narcissistic abuser. We had two children and a secure life, and he had no extra marital physically sexual relationships, no actual mistress and it was difficult for me finally see his behaviors as cheating all the same. He knew how to keep it in a very gray area and did a lot of obfuscating under “ professional” or just interesting rationale and made me feel as if I was the inadequate one by objecting. Great great point.
For me it's 2 years I ended my marriage and a year since finding out my ex is a narcissist. I'm ruminating a lot. Realising everything that was part of the narcissism, trying to rationalize why he did things, why he's still doing things. And I can't find the answers. I feel that I have to talk about it a lot. Have to have 'permission' to talk about it. So not to friends and family.
Ive been in a relationship with a narcissist for 8years and had 2 kids and we’ve been on and off all 2019. he doesn’t respect me, doesn’t know how to be loyal to me, refuses to see an issue in his actions. Im the one to blame in every situation when im not the one who initiates it. Im trying to move on but ive been with him for so long it hurts also makes me sad for my kids but I dont think this is the way to live and go thru for the rest of my life.. the minute we break up he moves on days later.
Omg I've been doing this for more then a year crying and dwelling and thinking what if what if and call him and cry and apologize and sometimes i try to convince him he dumped me over stupid reasons and i didn't do anything wrong that can lead us to this end ( he left me because i didn't do the STDs test after 1 year of relationship because i confessed before him i knew someone and i had unprotected sex and the second reason is i went to his home without his permission) and 3 months later he went to Germany for good. I kept calling him and crying and went to see a psychiatrist and psychologist and psychotherapist but i couldn't heal because he told me you screwed up everything it was your fault you ruined my life ….. while my mental health was damaged by the gaslighting. Plus he was insecure about his status i was an engineer while he didn't get the education he wanted and he was jobless and i was doing my best to find a job and when i talked fo a friend about it he found out and started a fight and caused me of being materialistic…… i mean i was on the edge of becoming crazy. Plz stay away from narcs
I keep coming back to the question DID I EVER MEAN ANYTHING TO THIS PERSON AT ALL? Months later I still feel like I am in shock. I guess because I just cannot understand that anybody could be so callous and unempathetic. It’s hard to accept that nothing was as it seemed.
Thats me i suffer with anxiety and i am a terrible worrier, and i normally beat my self up that im not good enough etc why the relationship broke down but 2 of them were narcs.
You are bound to get nightmares & flashbacks (daymares) after a relationship with a narcissist – they are unavoidable and have to be processed – each contains a message or realisation which was overlooked at the time – over time flashbacks decrease in both frequency & valence.
I am unable to appreciate a movie or a dinner or a conversation with a good friend because the only thing I have in my head is my narcissistic partner who threw me a month ago after hearing of what I dared repeat to his friends and colleagues… My brain seems to be compelled to do so, I cannot believe what he now says, what he now pretends about me, he says he is happy alone and he has fun without me and I pray he comes back I pray he calls me but when he did (I was in the hospital after breaking down and he knew it) it was only to say I was a looser, unable to move on, unable to offer him expensive presents… My brain still doesn't believe it is what he told me
This has been, by far, the most helpful of your videos. Thank you!
The rumination struggle is real…. so real. I believe personally I ruminate because there is still a sense of disbelief that another human being is capable of being so deceitful, cold and self-obsessed. I would also have to agree with some other comments in which there is a sense of disbelief that anyone would allow them to be involved in such a toxic relationship, and allowed it to go on longer than necessary. Although I know its all noise, and it's unhealthy noise, it's very difficult to break. I have sought to occupy my time and thoughts with personal goals, healthy friendships and activities and also allow myself to grieve without feeling a sense of responsibility for their actions. Wishing everyone strength this 2020 so we can see clearly and with 20/20 vision.
I keep thinking about all the good things he used to do. He used to call me jaan which in my language means life. We used to share jokes and watch tv together. He used to stand up for me whenever his narcissistic evil sister was mean to me. But he used to make my life miserable once drunk as he was an alcoholic and never agreed to go to rehab. He cheated on me also. I caught his messages where he was arranging for 2 prostitutes in 1 room for him. It astonishes me even when I'm writing this down that the bad I have started is sooo much worst than the good times. I don't know why I cant seem to stay factual and logical all the time. I really want to heal. Maybe I'm too scared of what future holds me that I keep thinking of whatever little good I had.
I want you to know, how grateful I am with you for this video. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to understand what the hell happened. I am done. But I understand better. Thanks to you for that.
What about ruminating with family relationships… a parent or sibling who discard as if you were never born. I know as a child, children of such dysfunctional families are trying to fix and just get love. I've never understand how people can discard their children or siblings and act as if they exist. What is that level of cruelty? It's inhumane. I wonder about all the other family members and friends that don't question and allow this discard. Thanks Dr. Ramani. Ruminating is trying to understand crazy when you don't speak crazy.
These videos have been so illuminating and helpful! Thank you so much for posting! I believe my mother was a narcissist, and I just recently exited a four year roller- coaster, toxic relationship with my ex, and understanding what I went through, and having labels and terms to use has been freeing for me. ❤️
I love your channel. It has really helped come to terms with understanding the woman for whom I had fallen hard for last year … Who was married, dissociative, who love bombed me like it was Apocalypse Now, then vanished into the ether. If I could make one suggestion, please use a limiter on your main audio output to boost the overall volume of your videos. They're very quiet. Thank you.
Dr Ramani is such a blessing for all of us. I’m extremely grateful for everything that you’ve done to help us deal with narcissism.
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