Stephen Colbert Fills Every Vacant Federal Government Job
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Stephen Colbert Fills Every Vacant Federal Government Job


HOUSE THAT IS RUNNING ON EMPTY. THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT IS
DRASTICALLY UNDERSTAFFED. EACH INCOMING PRESIDENT HAS
ABOUT 4,000– SOMETHING LIKE THAT, THOUSANDS OF POLITICAL
POSITIONS TO FILL, AND SO FAR, ONLY ABOUT HALF OF THEM HAVE
BEEN FILLED BY THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. IT DOESN’T HELP THAT THEIR
CRAIGLIST AD SAYS, “SINKING SHIP SEEKS RATS!”
( LAUGHTER )
BUT THERE ARE–
( APPLAUSE )
THERE ARE– PEOPLE LOOKING FOR A
JOB. RATS! LET’S HEAR IT FOR RATS! BUT THERE ARE A FEW DIEHARDS WHO
BELIEVE WE SHOULD HAVE GOVERNMENT, LIKE THE FOLKS AT
THE PARTNERSHIP FOR PUBLIC SERVICE. THEY’RE A NON-PROFIT
ORGANIZATION THAT WORKS WITH FEDERAL AGENCIES TO HELP FILL
VACANT JOBS. I RECENTLY TRAVELED TO
WASHINGTON D.C. TO SPEAK WITH THEIR PRESIDENT AND C.E.O, MAX
STIER, ABOUT TRUMP’S SKELETON CREW. MR. STIER, THANK YOU FOR TALKING
WITH ME TODAY.>>THANK YOU SO MUCH.>>Stephen: SO YOUR JOB IS TO
HELP THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION FILL THESE VACANT JOBS.>>CORRECT.>>Stephen: WHEN A NEW
ADMINISTRATION COMES IN, HOW MANY POSITIONS ARE THERE TO
STILL PHIL?>>WE TRACK ABOUT 630 THAT WE
SEE AS THE MOST IMPORTANT, THAT ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR RUNNING
REALLY LARGE CHUNKS OF THE GOVERNMENT– YOU KNOW, THE
SECRETARY OF INTERIOR, THE HEAD OF THE CENSUS BUREAU THE– YOU
KNOW, THE SECRETARY OF THE ARMY.>>Stephen: HOW MANY HAVE BEEN
APPOINTED SO FAR?>>THERE ARE ONLY ABOUT 250 IN
WHICH YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN SELECTED BY THE
PRESIDENT AND CONFIRMED BY THE SENATE.>>Stephen: SO ABOUT 400 OF
THESE REALLY IMPORTANT POSITION UNFILLED.>>CORRECT.>>Stephen: NOW, DO YOU SEE
THE GOVERNMENT AS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?( LAUGHTER ).>>I SEE IT AS —
>>Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT
THAT?>>NO, I DON’T NEED A MOMENT.>>Stephen: AN OPTIMIST SEES
THE GOVERNMENT AS HALF FULL. A PESSIMIST AS HALF EMPTY, AND
AN ANARCHIST SAYS WHY IS THERE A GLASS? THAT IS JUST PEOPLE TRYING TO
CONTROL OUR WATER.>>A REAL OPTIMIST WOULD SAY —
>>Stephen: PUTTING FLUORIDE IN IT.>>IT’S GOOD FOR YOUR TEETH.>>Stephen: OH, IS IT? THAT’S A GOVERNMENT PLOT.>>I’M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT LAST
POINT.>>Stephen: HOW MANY OF THESE
JOB VACANCIES ARE IN THE DEEP STATE?>>NO SUCH THING AS A DEEP
STATE.>>Stephen: NONE OF THOSE
POSITIONS ARE FILLED RIGHT NOW?>>NONE OF THOSE POSITIONS ARE
FILLED BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST.>>Stephen: WHAT ARE SOME OF
THE MORE TROUBLING POSTS THAT AREN’T FILLED BY A QUALIFIED
CANDIDATE?>>WE HAVE NO AMBASSADOR IN
SOUTH KOREA, AND WE ARE IN A VERY SCARY SITUATION, OBVIOUSLY.>>Stephen: WE HAVE DENNIS
RODMAN, THOUGH. WE HAVE DENNIS RODMAN.>>I CAN’T ARGUE WITH THAT —
>>Stephen: I WOULDN’T, I WOULDN’T. THE MAN’S SO DANGEROUS IN THE
PAINT.>>I WOULD BE HAPPIER, HOWEVER,
WITH A FOREIGN SERVICE OFFICER OR SOMEBODY WHO REALLY
UNDERSTANDS THE GEOPOLITICAL ISSUES THERE.>>Stephen: IS THE MILITARY
FILLED, ALL MILITARY POSITIONS, LIKE, ALL LEADERSHIP, PENTAGON–
>>AT THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT? NO, THERE ARE OPENINGS AT THE
DEFENSE DEPARTMENT, TOO.>>Stephen: I LOOK GREAT IN A
UNIFORM.>>YOU DON’T GET A UNIFORM AS A
POLITICAL APPOINTEE. WHAT YOU DO, DO IS YOU ACTUALLY
ARE IN CHARGE OF THE MILITARY BECAUSE THAT IS PART OF OUR
SYSTEM IS TO HAVE, YOU KNOW, CIVILIANS RESPONSIBLE.>>Stephen: I JUST WANT TO
POINT OUT YOU JUST SAID DO-DO.>>DID I?>>Stephen: ANYTHING GOOD OPEN
AT NASA?>>THERE’S STILL NO HEAD OF
NASA, NO ADMINISTRATOR FOR NASA. SO IF YOU WANT —
>>Stephen: HOW IMPORTANT IS THAT JOB?>>YOU KNOW, THESE ARE ALL
IMPORTANT JOBS. SO —
>>Stephen: LET ME JUST BE THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE HERE FOR A
MOMENT.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: IF THEY WERE
REALLY IMPORTANT THEY’D BE FILLED BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT
STILL EXISTS.>>I WOULD SAY —
>>Stephen: THE GOVERNMENT STILL EXISTS AND THESE JOBS
AREN’T FILLED.>>CORRECT.>>Stephen: IPSO FACTO, I
DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT PHRASE MEANS.>>THERE IS NOT AN AGENCY THAT
YOU COULD NAME THAT IS FULLY GLILD HOW DOES ONE APPLY FOR ONE
OF THESE JOBS? LET’S SAY I WANTED TO BE HEAD OF
NASA OR AN AMBASSADOR TO SOMETHING, WHERE DO I SEND MY
RESUME? DO I JUST WRAP IT AROUND A
CHEESEBURGER AND THROW IT OVER THE WALL AT THE WHITE HOUSE.>>I DON’T THINK THAT WOULD GET
YOU VERY FAR. THERE WOULD BE A VETTING PROCESS
THAT WOULD OCCUR.>>Stephen: HOW HARSH IS THIS
VETTING PROCESS?>>IT’S HARSH.>>Stephen: IS THERE A
SPANKING MACHINE?>>NOT THAT KIND OF HARSH.>>Stephen: COULD YOU VET ME?>>SURE. AND JUST UNDERSTAND THAT THE
ROAD YOU’RE ON IS A LONG, NASTY, BRUTISH ONE.>>Stephen: IF I HAVE ANYTHING
IN MY PAST SHOULD I GET IN FRONT OF IT RIGHT NOW?>>YES.>>Stephen: WHEN I WAS 17 I
BEAT A SEA TURTLE TO DWAEGHT A FLASHLIGHT, BUT IN MY DEFENSE, I
WAS HIGH AND I THOUGHT HE WAS A MONSTER.>>I THINK WE COULD END THIS
RIGHT HERE.>>Stephen: WHAT IF I’M NOT
THE DEPARTMENT OF SEA TURTLES? WHAT IF I’M JUST SOMETHING DUMB
JIEK I THINK THIS SORT OF VIOLATES ONE OF THE CORE
FOUNDATIONAL ISSUES HERE, WHICH IS HAVE YOU DONE SOMETHING THAT
COULD EMBARRASS THIS ADMINISTRATION, AND I WOULD SAY
THAT COUNTS.>>Stephen: OKAY, MAYBE. YOU HAVE SEEN THIS
ADMINISTRATION?( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).
>>I THINK THAT —
>>Stephen: THEY’RE VERY HARD TO EMBARRASS.>>I THINK WE SHOULD UPHOLD OUR
STANDARD S.>>Stephen: LET’S SAY THAT
DIDN’T HAPPEN.>>ALREADY.>>Stephen: LET’S JUST SAY I
MADE THAT UP.>>JUST TO BE CLEAR, THOUGH, IF
YOU LIE, YOU CAN GO TO JAIL.>>Stephen: IF I HAD AN AFFAIR
SHOULD I GET THAT OUT THERE NOW?>>YOU SHOULD GET THAT OUT
THERE.>>Stephen: I HAD AN AFFAIR
BUT IN MY DEFENSE, IT WAS NOT EMOTIONAL. IT WAS PURELY PHYSICAL, AND IT
WAS WITH A SINABON. I SAID I WAS GOING TO QUIT TI
WASN’T GOING TO FINISH IT, BUT THEM SHE JUST LIKE–
>>BUT YOU ARE CORRECT –>>Stephen: FROSTING.>>YOU KNOW, THE QUESTION ABOUT
HOW YOU –>>Stephen: THIS IS NOT A
METAPHOR. I HAD SEX WITH A CINNABON.( LAUGHTER )
IN THE CLD KENNEDY ADMINISTRATIO
EVERYBODY WAS HAVING SEX WITH
BAKED GOODS.>>HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DIAGNOSED
WITH A MENTAL HEALTH DISORDER, AND IF SO, WHICH ONE.>>Stephen: DIAGNOSED?>>YES.>>Stephen: NO.>>WE’RE TALKING ABOUT POTENTIAL
DRUG USE. YOU HAVE SMOKED MARIJUANA AND
WHEN?>>>Stephen: I HAVE NOT SMOKED
MARIJUANA.( LAUGHTER )
IN THE LAST… SEVEN YEARS.
>>I SEE, I SEE.>>I HAVE NOT.>>I HEARD THE EMPHASIS.>>Stephen: SMOKED IT.>>HAVE YOU OR YOUR SPOUSE
DECLARED BANKRUPTCY IN THE PAST SEVEN YEARS.>>Stephen: THAT’S A QUESTION
YOU HAVE TO ANSWER?>>YES.>>Stephen: IS THE PRESIDENT
QUALIFIED TO SERVE IN THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT?>>THE PRESIDENT DOESN’T HAVE TO
ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS.>>Stephen: WOW! IT’S GOOD TO BE THE KING.>>ONE MORE QUESTION: WILL YOU
SERVE AT THE PLEASURE OF THE PRESIDENT?>>Stephen: IF THAT MEANS I
GET TO SPANK HIM WITH A MAGAZINE, THEN, YES, I WOULD BE
HAPPY TO PLEASURE THE PRESIDENT.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: WELL, I WAS
CONVINCED THERE SHOULD BE A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, SO I HEADED
OUT TO THE NATIONAL MALL WITH A LIST OF VITAL BUT UNFILLED
GOVERNMENT POSITIONS TO VET AND INSTANTLY ASIENT JOBS TO THE
PERFECT CANDIDATES, WHICH WAS ANYONE WHO WOULD STOP AND TALK
TO ME. FIRST UP, DIRECTOR OF THE
NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY. POLICY. WE’RE LOOKING FOR THE DIRECTOR
OF THE NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: ARE YOU FAMILIAR
WITH THAT POSITION?>>VAGUELY.>>Stephen: ARE YOU HIGH RIGHT
NOW?>>NO!>>Stephen: ANOTHER THEN YOU
GOT THE JOB. THAT’S IT. OKAY. HOW ABOUT AMBASSADOR TO SOUTH
KOREA? LET ME ASK YOU SOME GENERAL
VETTING QUESTIONS, DO YOU MIND?>>ABSOLUTELY I DON’T MIND.>>Stephen: WOULD YOU
REPRESENT THE VALUES, VISIONSLESS
POLICIES OF PRESIDENT TRUMP?>>I WOULD DO WHAT WAS BEST FOR
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND ITS PEOPLE.>>Stephen: THEN THAT WOULD BE
A NO. THAT WOULD BE A HARD NO. THE ENERGY DEPARTMENT. HI, HI, HI! I CAN GIVE THIS TO TO YOU? CAN I–
>>NO –>>Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO
BE ASSISTANT SECRETARY FOR NUCLEAR ENERGY?>>I’M SORRY, I’M NOT AMERICAN.>>Stephen: THAT DOESN’T
MATTER. NEXT UP, ADMINISTRATOR FOR NASA. YOU KNOW WHAT NASA DOES?>>YES.>>Stephen: WHAT DO THEY DO?>>PUT SHUTTLES IN THE AIR AND
TAKE PEOPLE TO THE MOON.>>Stephen: HAVEN’T BEEN
SHUTTLES FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS NOW.>>THERE WILL BE.>>Stephen: OKAY, YOU’RE IN. DREAM BIG. ADMINISTRATOR FOR THE FEDERAL
HIGHWAY ADMINISTRATION. COMPLETE THIS
♪ HIGHWAY TO THE…>>MOON?>>Stephen: NOBODY. ♪ HIGHWAY TO THE…>>FUTURE?>>DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL
COUNTERTERRORISM CENTER. SEAN, WHAT HAPPENED DOWN HERE?>>ACTUALLY, I BROKE MY FOOT
PLAYING SOME SOCCER ON THE NATIONAL MALL.>>CAN YOU MAKE THAT SOUND A
LITTLE BIT MORE EXCITING, A LITTLE BIT MORE JACK RYAN. HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR LEG,
SEAN?>>I WAS ACTUALLY FIGHTING OFF
AL QAEDA IN A BAR IN D.C.>>Stephen: YOU’RE DONE. THAT’S IT. I GOT A HEAD OF THE FEDERAL
ELECTION COMMISSION! ♪ HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER
>>ZONE.>>Stephen: ZONE. YOU GOT THE JOB. AND DIRECT OF THE U.S. MARSHAL
SERVICE. IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT YOU THAT
MIGHT QUALIFY YOU TO BE A MARSHAL? NO, NOT TODAY.>>Stephen: MOTH ABOUT YOU AT
ALL THAT SAYS, “U.S. MARSHAL?”>>NO.>>Stephen: I WANT A BIRD OVER
KANDAHAR IN 15 MINUTES. SAY IT KANDAHAR.>>KANDAHAR?>>
>>Stephen: KANDAHAR. YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE KANDAHAR
IS?>>NO, I DON’T.

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