• If Civil War Reenactments Were Honest – Key & Peele
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    If Civil War Reenactments Were Honest – Key & Peele

    – MEN, AS WE LAUNCH THE COUNTERATTACK AGAINST THE UNION ARMY, WE MUST REMEMBER THAT EVEN THOUGH WE MAY DIE A GLORIOUS DEATH ON THE BATTLEFIELD, WE DO SO TO PRESERVE A WAY OF LIFE. THE SOUTHERN WAY OF LIFE. A WAY OF LIFE SO PURE AND BEAUTIFUL THAT NO MAN NOR GOVERNMENT CAN TAKE THIS AWAY FROM US. THE RIGHT… THE RIGHT TO PRESERVE. OUR OWN SO– TO– WE A– OH, [bleep]. – WELL, HELLO THERE, MASSA. SORRY WE LATE. – SHORE DIDN’T MEAN TO SNEAK UP ON YA, SIR. – LOOK, FELLAS, WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A NICE, LITTLE CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT HERE. WE DON’T WANT ANY TROUBLE.…

  • Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Dat Boi – @midnight with Chris Hardwick
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    Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Dat Boi – @midnight with Chris Hardwick

    Nowadays, having Internet access is just as important as things like education and free speech. After all, it’s how most of us apply for jobs, do our jobs, tweet things that cause us to lose our jobs. That is why the United Nations Human Rights Council has passed a non-binding resolution condemning countries that disrupt citizens’ Internet access. So now it’s considered a basic human right to say stuff like this. “Y’all know that Atlanta spelled backyards is Atlanta.” (laughter) Mm… I think there are other things that Jay do not got besides that juice. -Uh… -FLEMING: No juice. MANDYAM: Chris, he does not speak for all Jays, all right?…

  • Ignoring Your Brother’s Calls from Prison – Kiry Shabazz – Bill Burr Presents: The Ringers
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    Ignoring Your Brother’s Calls from Prison – Kiry Shabazz – Bill Burr Presents: The Ringers

    – My brother’s in prison. (laughing) he just got a cellphone, which was good at first, but now he calls home too much. Its to the point where we started ignoring his calls. And now he’s getting hostile and angry about it. He tried to text me the other day, he was like hey bro I called you, I was like yeah man my bad I was busy. He’s like “doing what?” I was like, “nigga enjoying my freedom?” like what do you mean? (laughing) I went outside to run my fingers through blades of grass. Picked a few daffodils. I helped a baby bird back in it’s nest okay,…

  • Someone’s Gotta Say It – Key & Peele
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    Someone’s Gotta Say It – Key & Peele

    [sighs] excuse me, sir. Well. Oh, well, well, well. Fucking mexicans. Oh, man, do not get me started on the mexicans. Hey, I was just saying. They hold the goddamn economy together. You know what, man? Damn straight. If 12% of the mexicans that live in this country stopped working, just 12%, the USA would shut down. I don’t even care who hears me. Nope. [stammers] they work their asses ofF… Mm-hmm. And they got strong family values. Essential immigrants. Hey, speaking of immigrants, how about them asians? Man, fuck, you know what, brother? You want to light that fuse? Then you better stand back ’cause I got something I…

  • Key & Peele – Al Qaeda Meeting
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    Key & Peele – Al Qaeda Meeting

    – BROTHERS. BROTHERS, LET US BEGIN. I HAVE CONVENED THIS MEETING TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING. WHY HAVE WE NOT TAKEN A PLANE IN 13 YEARS? – KHALIV. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. IT IS ALL BECAUSE THE CUNNING AND MIGHTY TSA IS ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD OF US. – I DO NOT BELIEVE IT! – IT’S TRUE. LAST MONTH, I ATTEMPTED TO TAKE DOWN A PLANE WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS FIVE INCHES LONG. – THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PERFECT PLAN. WHY DID IT NOT WORK? – BECAUSE THE SHREWD TSA, THEY MADE RESTRICTIONS SO YOU CAN ONLY TAKE A FOUR-INCH SCISSORS. FOUR INCHES. – WHAT? – YEAH.…

  • Key & Peele – Dad’s Hollywood Secret
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    Key & Peele – Dad’s Hollywood Secret

    – HELLO, EVERYONE. I’M JOSEPH CARMICHAEL. OTIS IS–WAS MY FATHER. BUT WE ARE NOT HERE TODAY TO MOURN HIS DEATH, BUT TO CELEBRATE HIS LIFE. WE KNEW OTIS AS A TEACHER, A COMMUNITY LEADER, A ROLE MODEL, A HUSBAND, AND A FATHER. NOW, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE TO SHARE SOMETHING ABOUT HIM Y’ALL MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN. WHEN MY FATHER WAS YOUNGER, HE WAS AN ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD. GOING THROUGH MY DAD’S THINGS, I FOUND THIS REEL OF HIS WORK AS AN ACTOR. I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET, BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO WATCH, HERE WITH ALL OF YOU TODAY. THANK YOU. – [gasps] WHERE…

  • Drunk History – Dolley Madison Protects America’s National Treasures
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    Drunk History – Dolley Madison Protects America’s National Treasures

    SO WHEN BRITAIN–WHEN THEY ARRIVED ON THE SHORES, THIS BRITISH GUYS SHOW UP, AND THEY’RE LIKE, AWESOME. LIKE, NO ONE’S HERE. SO WE’LL JUST DROP ANCHOR AND START TRASHING THE PLACE. WHILE DOLLEY AND JAMES WERE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY GET WORD THAT HOLY [bleep], THESE GUYS HAVE LANDED, AND THEY’RE HEADING THIS WAY. SO JAMES MADISON’S LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M GONNA GET ON A HORSE, AND I’M GONNA GO THERE, AND I’M GONNA BE LIKE, GUESS WHAT? KNOCK, KNOCK. PRESIDENT’S HERE. AND SHE’S LIKE, OKAY, SEE YOU FOR DINNER. JAMES LEAVES. SHE STAYS IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE IN WASHINGTON IS KIND OF BEING PUSSIES…

  • So, What Is a Universal Basic Income? – The Jim Jefferies Show
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    So, What Is a Universal Basic Income? – The Jim Jefferies Show

    THERE ARE ROUGHLY 40 MILLION AMERICANS LIVING IN POVERTY. THANKS TO DONALD TRUMP, THAT’S ALL ABOUT TO CHANGE. THE ADMINISTRATION IS CONSIDERING CHANGING THE DEFINITION OF POVERTY SO FEWER FAMILIES WILL QUALIFY FOR GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE. SO PROBLEM SOLVED. I GUESS THAT’S ONE WAY TO DEAL WITH POVERTY, JUST SAY IT’S NOT POVERTY. THAT’S LIKE, IF YOU HAD STAGE CANCER AND THE DOCTOR SAID NO, THAT’S JUST A PANCREAS BRUISE, PUT SOME ICE ON IT. IT’S A PRETTY SIMPLE IDEA.>>THE PROBLEM WITH POVERTY IS NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY. THE SIMPLE SOLUTION WHEN SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY IS TO GIVE THEM MONEY. SO THAT’S MORE OR UNIVERSAL BASIC INCOME.>>IT’S A MONTHLY…

  • The Nightly Show – Pape Pope vs. The Confederate Flag
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    The Nightly Show – Pape Pope vs. The Confederate Flag

    (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >>IF HE WERE SPEAKING TO SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO RAISE THE CONFEDERATE FLAG, HE WOULD PROBABLY START OFF BY SAYING SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF, YOU ARE SOME FUNNY, FUNNY PEOPLE. FOR YOU IT’S ALWAYS SUMMERTIME AND THE LIVIN’ IS EASY. YOUR MAMA’S RICH AND YOUR MAMA’S GOT LOOKIN’. YOU’RE A CONFEDERATE, A PROUD SOUTHERN WHITE BOY. YOUR BIBLE IN YOUR HAND AND A SHOTGUN IN YOUR PICKUP TRUCK. A SOUTHERN WHITE BOY, WITH THE SHAME OF SLAVERY RUNNIN’ THROUGH YOUR VEINS. YOU ARE A BIGOT. I AM A BLACK MAN. I HAVE WORKED AND SCRAPED FOR EVERY INCH OF DIRT I WALK ON. YOU CRIED YOURSELF…

  • Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Rifle Kid
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    Tosh.0 – Web Redemption – Rifle Kid

    – IT’S THE VIEW OUTSIDE PEOPLE’S DOORS AND WINDOWS THAT HAS WALNUT CREEK NEIGHBORS DOING DOUBLE TAKES. YES, THAT’S A GUY WITH A RIFLE STRAPPED ACROSS HIS BACK WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK. – THIS IS MY GRANDDAD’S GUN FROM WORLD WAR II. – 19-YEAR-OLD JOHN SCHULTZ ALSO WEARS A BULLETPROOF VEST, CARRIES AMMO, AND KEEPS A KNIFE. – I HAVE ZIP TIES ON AS WELL, JUST IN CASE. – MY KIDS DON’T EVEN COME OUTSIDE ‘CAUSE THEY’RE SCARED. – HIS WALKS VARY, DAY AND NIGHT. IT’S MOSTLY FOR PICKING UP GARBAGE. – IT’S NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GUN OR THE BODY ARMOR. IT’S THE PERSON. – BUT THERE’S TILL…