The New U.S. Constitution As Written By Trump
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The New U.S. Constitution As Written By Trump


PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD AN
OFFICIAL CALL WITH PUTIN TODAY. I HEAR THE CALL WAS TENSE, BUT
LET’S FACE IT. THAT’S HOW PERFORMANCE REVIEWS
USUALLY GO. ( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, ACCORDING TO REPORTS, THE TWO DISCUSSED
“THE PROSPECT OF COORDINATING EXPRUGZ U.S. ACTION.” OH, I THINK YOU’VE BEEN
COORDINATING FOR A WHILE. ACCORDING TO THE KREMLIN, WHEN
DISCUSSING NORTH KOREA, THE PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA CALLED FOR
RESTRAINT AND AN EASING OF TENSIONS. YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD WHEN
PUTIN IS THE VOICE OF RESTRAINT. “EH, DONALD MAKE YOU COULD COOL
IT WITH THE TWEETS. IT COMES OFF AS A LITTLE CRAZY.” ( APPLAUSE )
PUTIN FANS. A LOT OF PUTIN FANS HERE
TONIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE HERE IN AMERICA, TH REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS ARE
ATTEMPTING TO REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE
AGAIN, BUT EVEN THOUGH THEY’VE MADE ANOTHER BIG PUSH, THEY’RE
ON THE VERGE OF LOSING THE HEALTH CARE VOTE. AGAIN? IT’S LIKE LOSING THIS VOTE IS
SOME KIND OF PRE-EXISTING CONDITION WITH THESE GUYS. MODERATE REPUBLICANS ARE NOT
VOTING FOR TRUMPCARE BECAUSE WHILE IT TECHNICALLY COVERS
PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS, IT ALSO ALLOWS STATES TO APPLY FOR
WAIVERS THAT COULD GREATLY CHANGE THE COST AND QUALITY OF
THAT COVERAGE. SO IF YOU’VE GOT A PRE-EXISTING
CONDITION, YOU CAN TECHNICALLY GET HEALTH CARE. YOU JUST MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO
AFFORD IT. LIKE HOW I CAN TECHNICALLY
HIRE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN TO PLAY MY BIRTHDAY PARTY, BUT I
CAN ONLY AFFORD BRICE STRINGSTONE. I LOVE HIM. I LOVE IT WHEN HE PLAYS “THUNDER
LOAD.” ( LAUGHTER )
BUT YESTERDAY, ALABAMA REPRESENTATIVE MO BROOKS
EXPLAINED THAT TRUMPCARE IS JUST MAKING INSURANCE FAIRER.>>MY UNDERSTANDING IS THAT IT
WILL ALLOW INSURANCE COMPANIES TO REQUIRE PEOPLE WHO HAVE
HIGHER HEALTH CARE COSTS TO CONTRIBUTE MORE TO THE INSURANCE
POOL THAT HELPS OFFSET ALL THESE COSTS, THEREBY REDUCING THE COST
TO THOSE PEOPLE WHO LEAD GOOD LIVES. THEY’RE HEALTHY. YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE DONE THE
THINGS TO KEEP THEIR BODIES HEALTHY. AND RIGHT NOW THOSE ARE THE
PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE THINGS THE RIGHT WAY THAT ARE SEEING THEIR
COSTS SKYROCKETING.>>Stephen: SO HE’S SAYING GOOD
PEOPLE ARE HEALTHY AND BAD PEOPLE GET SICK. WELL, THAT’S WHY BROOKS IS GOING
TO PUT THIS ON HIS TOMBSTONE– “I HAD IT COMING.” YOU’RE NOT ALIVE. YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING. WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO? SOMETHING. AND TRUMP’S NOT JUST TRYING TO
UNDO OBAMACARE. HE’S ALSO TRYING TO UNDO
OBAMALUNCH, BECAUSE HIS ADMINISTRATION IS ROLLING BACK
MICHELLE OBAMA’S PUSH FOR HEALTHIER SCHOOL LUNCHES.>>Audience: BOO!>>Stephen: YOU COULD TELL THIS
WAS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN THEY REPLACED HER WHITE HOUSE
VEGETABLE GARDEN WITH A NACHO BAR. THAT LOOKED GOOD. YOU GUYS REMEMBER LAST MONTH
WHEN TRUMP ORDERED A MISSILE STRIKE ON A SYRIAN AIR BASE? IT WAS THE MOST VIOLENT ASSAULT
ON A RUNWAY NOT ORDERED BY UNITED AIRLINES. ( APPLAUSE )
IT ALL– IT ALL– FRIENDLY SKIES. IT ALL WENT DOWN WHILE TRUMP WAS
DINING AT MAR-A-LAGO WITH THE PRESIDENT OF CHINA ENJOYING WHAT
TRUMP DESCRIBED AS THE “MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF CHOCOLATE
CAKE THAT YOU’VE EVER SEEN.” WHICH IS WHY THE MISSION’S CODE
NAME WAS “OPERATION DESSERT STORM.” ( LAUGHTER )
COULD BE A MISSPELLING. COULD BE A MISSPELLING. ( APPLAUSE )
WELL, WE JUST GOT NEW DETAILS FROM COMMERCE SECRETARY AND JEFF
DUNHAM PUPPET GONE ROGUE, WILBUR ROSS. ( LAUGHTER )
SECRETARY ROSS WAS SPEAKING AT A CONFERENCE YESTERDAY AND JOKED
THAT THE AIRSTRIKE “WAS IN LIEU OF AFTER-DINNER ENTERTAINMENT.” REALLY? WHAT WAS THE PLANNED
AFTER- DINNER ENTERTAINMENT? BUSBOYS FIGHTING IN THE
THUNDERDOME? STEVE BANNON UNHINGING HIS JAW
AND SWALLOWING REINCE PRIEBUS FEET FIRST? AND ROSS CONTINUED HIS WHITE
COLLAR COMEDY TOUR, SAYING, “THE THING WAS, IT DIDN’T COST
THE PRESIDENT ANYTHING TO HAVE THAT ENTERTAINMENT.” NOW, TECHNICALLY, YES, THE
MISSILE STRIKE WAS $82 MILLION. BUT REMEMBER, THAT’S FUNDED BY
TAXPAYERS. SO, YEAH, IT DIDN’T COST DONALD
TRUMP A DIME. OR DID IT? WE’LL NEVER KNOW. OH WHAT ELSE? TRUMP WANTS TO BE ABLE TO SUE
THE PRESS. HE WANTS TO BE ABLE TO TAKE
LAWSUITS OUT AGAINST PEOPLE WHO SAY THINGS ABOUT HIM. IN MARCH, TRUMP TWEETED,”THE
FAILING @NYTIMES HAS DISGRACED THE MEDIA WORLD. GOT ME WRONG FOR TWO SOLID
YEARS. CHANGE LIBEL LAWS?”
OF COURSE, TRUMP HIMSELF WOULD NEVER ENGAGE IN LIBEL. JUST ASK CROOKED HILLARY OR
LYIN’ TED. THERE’S ONLY ONE PROBLEM WITH
CHANGING THE LIBEL LAWS AS JONATHON KARL POINTED OUT TO
REINCE PRIEBUS ON LAST WEEK’S “THIS WEEK.”>>CHANGE THE LIBEL LAWS. THAT WOULD REQUIRE, AS I
UNDERSTAND IT, A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. IS HE REALLY GOING TO PURSUE
THAT? IS THAT SOMETHING HE WANTS TO
PURSUE?>>I THINK IT’S SOMETHING THAT
WE’VE LOOKED AT.>>Stephen: THEY WANT TO GET
RID OF THE FIRST AMENDMENT? STOP THE PRESSES! SERIOUSLY, STOP THE PRESSES. AND I CAN CONFIRM THAT THE
ADMINISTRATION IS LOOKING INTO CHANGE THE FIRST AMENDMENT
BECAUSE I HAVE TRUMP’S REWRITTEN VERSION OF THE CONSTITUTION
RIGHT HERE: “CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW
AGAINST RELIGION, EXCEPT FOR THE SCARY ONES, OR ABRIDGING THE
FREEDOM OF SPEECH, OR OF THE PRESS. UNLESS IT IS FAKE NEWS LIKE
FAILING ‘NEW YORK TIMES’! WATCH ‘FOX AND FRIENDS’!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SLOW THAT DOWN. SLOW THAT DOWN A LITTLE. OH, TRUMP ALSO HAS AN
INTERESTING TAKE ON THE THIRD AMENDMENT HERE. “NO SOLDIER SHALL, IN TIME OF
PEACE, BE QUARTERED IN ANY HOUSE, OR AT LEAST NOT IN
THE PREMIER SUITE OF AN INCREDIBLE TRUMP HOTEL. THE BEST. FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST
BEFORE 9:00 A.M. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ROOM
SERVICE.” ( APPLAUSE )
AND THIS SURPRISED ME. THIS NEXT ONE SURPRISE ME A LOT. TRUMP WANTS TO CHANGE THE SECOND
AMENDMENT TO: “BANG! BANG! BANG! PEW! PEW! BANG! BANG!”
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. AMY SCHUMER IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.

100 Comments

  • Brad Reynolds

    Check out this plan to make Donald and Kim Jong Un sing! https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/donald-trump-and-kim-jong-un-sing#/

  • Llda Schelhase

    Notice how his right ear is somewhat different from the left one – surgery maybe? Whatever the problem hope it hasn't affected his hearing.

  • Llda Schelhase

    A good point brought out by this video – people who have a record of good health maintainance (annual checkups) etc. should be rewarded with the lowering of their premium costs based on the previous years medical records.

  • s. marty

    who are Colbert's Hoosiers (sponsors) , 20 million people want to know ,
    never buy their products again….only losers companies support losers

  • Skylar Darkwing

    Ok, so maybe the lunch thing isn't too bad. Sorry, but those meals weren't healthy. In fact I wouldn't consider most of them fit for human consumption. But it still pales in comparison to all the blunders he's had.

  • tic toc

    Not good that the POTUS and repugnicants are playing fast and loose with poor and middle Americans’ health care. Circa $1 trillion roll-back of health care dollars to the 1% is not what DT promised all those poor people who sent him $25, only to $hit on them. Many people will die due to not having access to health care. Sounds like a version of Death Panels to me.

  • SP 12

    Colbert for president!! Funny how the people obsessed with the second amendment forgets the first….. The irony of the US is that dumb f&@ks who voted for trump is the segment of the population who believes in the biblical apocalypse…

  • Kasaihasuki

    "EHUR, HUR, That's a joke!" For the love of god please turn that dimwits microphone off he contributes NOTHING

  • Michael Bond

    Trump is trying to run America the way he runs his Companies. His Profits & his needs come before everything! How long before any criticism of the Donald becomes a capital offence? How long before all visiting Foreign Heads of State have to stay in Trump Hotels? How long before all TV channels except Fox are closed?

  • Stephen R McDonald

    The truth be told!!! "the Donald" is SO ENVIOUS & JEALOUS of Putin & Kim Jong-Un!!! Because they are DICTATORS!!! They DON'T have to answer to ANYONE!!! They call ALL the shots!!! Poor Don can't just make decisions and "snap" his fingers and it's done!!!like he could do for his little reality show!!! NOT!!!! LOL😋

  • otownrvr

    SC proves hes running out of material….bleeding the liberal Russia hysteria dry….what an intolerant asss

  • Ian Patrick

    If healthy people should not have to pay into a universal health plan, then why should peaceful people have to pay into a military machine?

  • Sbreezy

    This mother fucker, healthy. I've killed my knees busting my ass, what should have done? Not worked so fucking hard? Stupid son of a bitch, republicans….

  • Mokona7654

    My mother had cancer. Is she a bad person? My friend was born with diabetes. Is he a bad person? My grandparents have arthritis. Are they bad people? Are our veterans who lost limbs, have chronic pain and/or post-traumatic stress disorder bad people? I don't understand republican logic.

  • Elio Lopez

    God bless Colbert! And thank you Steve for standing your ground on your schtick with the orange ahole.

  • CountryMusicMann

    Does depression count as a pre-existing condition? Because if it does, Republicans are heartless bastards, taking away coverage and medication to directly make depressed people's lives worse. I should know. I'm one of those people.

  • Lilac Lizard

    That constitutional amendment is so FAKE! As if Donald knows words as big as "abridging" or "quartered"!

  • Angie Poo

    I swear this show is the only reason I can tolerate the news right now. I still mute when trump is talking.

  • J Espinoza

    TRUMP IS PEEING ON THE CONSTITUTION AND ON THE BACKS OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TRUMP=LIES=TREASON=DUMP TRUMP=IMPEACH

  • Bradley Venn

    Do these late night propaganda clowns talk about anyone or anything else? I'm from Britain so maybe this kind of propaganda is obvious to me.

  • Thrasher7170

    I'd love to hear this administration defend its statements on health care and pre-existing conditions. Please, Mr. Trump, tell me what my younger sister did to deserve being autistic. Tell me what I did to deserve having severe social anxiety. Tell me what my friend did to deserve her crippling depression. And then go fuck yourself. Hard. With a cactus.

  • ri3it483qthirf

    seriously? when you find yourself on the side that's against healthy school lunches for kids, you really have to take a good hard look at the fucking mirror, and ask yourself, "am I the bad guy here?"

  • CDevil

    Calling Wilbur Ross a "Jeff Dunham puppet gone rogue" is an insult to Dunham. He has higher quality standards.

  • Alex Landherr

    "Commerce secretary and Jeff Dunham puppet gone rogue, Wilbur Ross", my favorite ventriloquist related Colbert joke.

  • إنتحاري

    Politics is like wrestling, it's scripted by Hollywood liberals, republicans are the bigots, incest cross worshippers who love Jews

  • Mcgee Stevens

    Romans 8:5-7
    1599 Geneva Bible (GNV)

    5 For they that are after the flesh, savor the things of the flesh: but they that are after the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.

    6 For the wisdom of the flesh is death: but the wisdom of the Spirit is life and peace,

    7 Because the wisdom of the flesh is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the Law of God, neither indeed can be.

  • Simian Stareyes

    Can i take a sec to say how sad it is we're joking about this? i get it but that its even a thing is my point.

  • Simian Stareyes

    itd be like a jew in 1930 being like theyrecoming for my bagels… no theyre coming for so much more. this dream liner is hitting an iceburg

  • flyinspirals

    Maybe we should call their bluff and change a few libel laws. It could shut down a lot of rite wing hate babblers.

  • Adrien Ragot

    Can anyone explain what the pianist is here for?

    It looks like he's a part of the show, but he never laughs at the right time, and when the crowd is cracked up rotfl, he's like "ha. ha. ha."

    Does he do the pre-show warmup or something ?

  • PhillyFrank1

    Actually, Trump probably would like to quarter soldiers at his properties — and charge tax payers twice the going rate to do so. He's already charging for Secret Service members' accommodations when he stays at Mar-a-Lago or his New Jersey club, which he does practically every weekend — he even charges the golf cart rental fee. Not to mention charging us for that piece of chocolate cake.

    #kleptocracy

  • Lone Avohkii

    Still kind of wondering how Donald trump hasn't been shot yet, especially now since a republican politician was already shot

  • MrIlleism

    I wish Doctors, Nurses and all medical staff collectively protested this healthcare act. Just based on the fact that it's inhumane.

  • Annie S.

    trump is the type of person our Founding Fathers warned us about. We're destined to be the second Roman Empire with him in charge.

  • troglodite30

    It's all true..If your a truly holy and righteous God fearer..You wont get cancer! Ducks disease! Trypanosomiasis! The dreaded Nadger plague! False teeth! Toe rot, or any other Godless disease floating around!..The good senator just said so..Must be true!..How did all these stupid, ignorant people ever get elected?

  • fibsernum30

    It is amusing that right-wing screwballs are running ads on Colbert's videos. Do they really think Colbert followers will buy their misguided crap?

  • alexdapostman

    Stephen Colbert a weak minded radical snowflake liberal that has never gotten over the last election. What's even worse he has half of America the nincompoops following him!

  • Lord DIO

    interesting how the right wing fuck heads screech about the first amendment when they want to shout their racist shit, but the minute you criticize them, oh no, that's libel! who's the special snowflake now?

  • Deepank Parmar

    fucking,hypocritical Americans crying over Russian interference , do you know how many fucking elections you have tampered with , destroyed nations, bombed civilians you cowards?!

  • Subcomandante Marcos

    Also, quick comment on this idiot Colbert's mentioning of "michelle obama's" "healthy" lunches program. Besides it costing tax payers millions. IT FAILED!!! Fact, fact fact!! –
    The latest reports show that 40 percent of U.S. women are obese, and American teenagers are also continuing to put on weight. Overall, 38 percent of U.S. adults are obese and 17 percent of teenagers are, the two reports find. Adult Obesity in the United States.According to the most recent data, adult obesity rates now exceed 35 percent in four states, 30 percent in 25 states and are above 20 percent in all states.

  • Inquisitor Pippa

    "They've done the things to keep their bodies healthy,"
    You mean they weren't born with a handicap. So does that mean the GOP has found a way to prevent diseases and other conditions?

  • Matheno

    Is it just me, or will America ever give the guy an inch of slack. He's a jerk, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but you have to admit that another four years of a troubling coverage that the ACA gave would be terrible. President Trump has never been in any office before, and he really wanted to check off that 'repeal and replace' promise on his list, and he utterly failed at producing a well-thought-out replacement. I wish there was a way the media could give him a chance, and I wish there was also a way to support him while also criticizing him. The whole Russia thing was blown out of proportion; sadly, I have not yet heard an unbiased coverage of the claim, leaving me to make the conclusion that it either was severely overdone or it never happened (I doubt the latter).

  • C M

    You Americans are idiots. With all the wealthy cunts your country has universal health care would be a breeze to make happen. Fucktards. All of you.

  • David Edwards

    I find it a sad affair that you suggest trump would change the US constitution. trump is dangerous enough without you giving him more ideas

  • DemonAlchemist

    Okay, replacing Michelle Obama's school lunch programs is a great idea. Anyone who supports what she did, hasn't eaten a school lunch since she did it. I was in High School when that shit rolled out. I saw our food go from somewhat unhealthy and good tasting to somewhat unhealthy and shitty tasting. Our food didn't get healthier, it just got worse.

  • Dak Lamerbusch

    Trump has had one miniscule victory: school lunches can now have 51% whole grain instead of 100%. In my book, that is a good victory; what kid wants gross 100% whole grain??? And with that one itty bitty accomplishment, he will be thrown out of office.X'D

  • Jessica John

    I was able to learn more about numerology because of this numerology reading “gazo shocking plan” (G00GLE it). Nonetheless, some of the information scares me sometimes. I nearly wish I didn`t know what I had read. It would be better if somebody will discuss the book for me and broaden my perspective on numerology. The information is effective yet overwhelming in components.

  • ACGreyhound04

    If it were true that only bad people got sick, then Donald Trump would have contracted a fatal illness before he was out of diapers!

  • Bear Grills

    5:47 you can clearly see there is nothing written on either side of the paper. Nice metaphor for the lack of rights you guys are gonna go through in these years.

  • ariandynas

    Ah ah ah Steven.

    Trump does not engage in Libel. That would require him to write something.

    What he does is called 'Slander' by legal definition.

  • Tim D

    Moe? No Kidding? Really? All the type 1 diabetics picked it? People with MS picked it? People with Alzheimer's picked it? Including donald? People with cancer picked it? Why the hell didn't your parents use condoms. They've been around even longer than you.

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