-Guys, I’m very pumped
about this. Billie Eilish
is my guest tonight. [ Cheers and applause ] Billie —
Billie is incredible. She just 17 years old, and she’s about to go
on a world tour. Meanwhile, when I was 17,
I was touring a fake I.D. around every 7-Eleven.
[ Laughter ] “Can I get some…”
[ Laughter ] Guys, this is our final
live show this week, and I just want to thank
our incredible staff for all their hard work.
Thank you, guys, very much. [ Cheers and applause ] I also want to thank
President Trump for making everyone’s job
a lot easier. Let’s get to some news.
It came out today that Democrats want to write up
formal articles of impeachment against Trump by Halloween. And you’ll know they’re bad
when Trump buys a Dora costume and tries sneaking into Mexico. [ Laughter ] Can you say “desaparecer”? [ Laughter ] It looks like Trump
could be impeached sometime around the holidays. It’ll be weird on Thanksgiving
when Trump pardons a turkey and then asks the turkey
to pardon him back. “Come on, Giblet!
Come on, Giblet, we had a deal.” [ Laughter ] Listen to this — a new poll
finds that 47% of Americans approve of impeaching Trump,
or as Trump put it, “Hey, my approval rating’s
up to 47%. That’s pretty good.” That’s right, a new poll
found that 47% of Americans are in favor of impeaching
President Trump. It’s a pretty interesting poll.
Take a look at this. 47% said, “I think Trump
should be impeached.” 30% said, “I do not think Trump
should be impeached.” 20% said, “I want to know more
about the whistleblower before I make up my mind.”
[ Laughter ] 10% said,
“What else is there to know? Didn’t you read the report?” 35% said, “I mean, I started
reading it, but I didn’t finish. I had a super-busy week.”
[ Laughter ] -15% said, “Oh, really, Carl?
Because I’m pretty sure he spent all of Thursday working on your
fantasy football lineup. You were not busy!” 45% said, “Well, I know
you were busy, Jody, spending free time
spying on me. And for your information
that team counts on me. I’m the owner
and the general manager.” [ Laughter ] 60% said, “Then that’s the best
job you’re ever gonna get, Carl, because I don’t think they have
that position at Panera.” [ Laughter ] 30% said, “Hey, you know
Panera’s a great place to meet for a fast, casual lunch. I’ve heard you say it
countless times.” 12% said, “I was lying, Carl!
What am I supposed to say? That your career is a failure,
just like our relationship? Is that why I hear you crying
yourself to sleep every night?” 38% said,
“Those are tears of joy, Jody, because my fantasy football team
is doing so well that pretty soon,
I won’t even need a job.” 44% said, “Oh, no.
How will Panera ever recover from losing you?
Who will make their bread? They’re gonna run out of bread.”
[ Laughter ] 24%, “That’s the only place
in my life where there’s passion, Jody!
The only place! Got me?!”
And that, of course… [ Cheers and applause ] is our latest segment,
“Interesting Poll.” Very interesting.
Very interesting polls. Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell said
if the House impeaches Trump, the Senate will immediately
hold the trial. Now, here’s how I think
the trial will work. Rudy Giuliani will make
an opening statement, and five seconds later,
Trump will be impeached. [ Laughter ] And Nancy Pelosi also said
she thinks Attorney General William Barr,
who was implicated in the Ukraine scandal,
has gone rogue. Can we see William Barr? Yeah.
[ Laughter ] Usually, when this guy
goes rogue, it’s when he puts on different wigs to keep getting
free samples at Costco. [ Laughter ] “How you doing?
Is that kielbasa? What is that?”
[ Laughter ] “Well, how you doing there,
partner? Is that some
type of sausage thing?” [ Laughter ] “You got chicken sausage?” [ Laughter ] “I’ve never been here before.
What is that?” That’s right, Nancy Pelosi’s
been all over the TV this week. Nancy Pelosi.
In one interview, I could’ve sworn
she put a wind machine. Check this out. -The law is very clear. When this information comes,
it’s deemed credible and of urgent concern
by the Inspector General. -You know what?
Good for her, good for her. She is riding
that impeachment train. She’s feeling herself.
[ Laughter ] Here she is five minutes later.
Look at this. ♪♪ Yeah, you can see… ♪♪ ♪ Waiting for… ♪ [ Laughter ] In the meantime,
Trump has been sounding off on Twitter. This morning,
he once again tweeted, “It was a perfect conversation
with Ukraine president.” Is it me or is Trump starting to
sound like Ross from “Friends”? “We were on a break!”
[ Laughter ] “What?!” Just came out that, in 2017,
Trump told the Russians that he wasn’t concerned about
them meddling in our elections. Here’s the Russian official
Trump made the comments to. Yeah, wow.
[ Laughter ] Wow. That guy makes William Barr
look like Zac Efron. [ Laughter ] The whole week’s been crazy. Let me just sum it up
with three Kermits. Basically,
Democrats are like this. [ Laughter ]
Trump is like this. [ Laughter ] And Hillary is like this. [ Laughter and applause ] Sums it up in three Kermits. [ Cheers and applause ] Three.
Three of them. -Oh, I saw that Jason Momoa
addressed the United Nations on climate change today. As soon as he walked in,
everyone at the U.N. was like, “Damn,
it is getting hotter.” [ Laughter ] “Oh. Hi!
I mean, hi. Hello.” This is fun.
The new animated movie “Abominable” comes out today. It’s about a yeti named Everest. So if you need something
to do with the kids, just tell them
it’s the “Frozen” sequel and pray they don’t notice.
[ Laughter ] And, finally, police in Indiana
are looking for the thieves who stole 50,000 apples
from a local orchard. Right now,
some kingpin is screaming, “You idiots robbed
the wrong apple store!” We have a great show, guys.